When does no contact start working? Everything you need to know about quitting your ex cold turkey…and making them run right back to you
Being broken up with by your girlfriend or boyfriend, especially when you least expect it, can feel like your life is falling apart. At best you may feel as though it’s a small tragedy that you’ll get over. At worst you may feel like your heart is breaking and you will never feel better again. The truth is, while breakups hurt, you don’t have to accept the hurt without doing anything. The no contact rule lets you take back the power over the person who broke up with you, make them miss you, and eventually force them to get back in touch. So does no contact work? And how long will it take until your ex misses you so much that they reach out? Let’s find out!
What is no contact? The 30 day rule after breakup
The no contact rule is very simple, you are essentially creating a void between you and your ex. This means you stop texting, you stop calling each other, of course you stop seeing each other in real life. It also means no emails, no interacting with their social media posts, no sending them funny pictures that you find or commenting on their friend’s picture in which they appear. At the very least, the no contact rule requires that you keep radio silence for 30 days after the breakup. Depending on your situation, that void might have to extent for a few more weeks or months.
The goal of no contact is to give you the power of silence after break up. Your ex made the decision to break up with you. They were the one with the power to choose, and to make a decision that would affect both of your lives. No contact is a way of making them go through what they did to you. It is saying “if breaking up is really what you want, then I’m going to break up with you, too”, and you do this by stopping any interaction with them cold turkey.
This will quickly make them realize that the breakup is a little different from what they expected. They might have thought you would crawl, begging for them to take you back. They may have already pictured refusing you time and again, still flattered by your attempts to make them change their mind. They certainly weren’t expecting you to be seemingly okay with the breakup, and cease all contact with a 30 day no contact rule. This plays with their expectations, leading to emotions they were not expecting, and this is where the no contact rule really works.
When does no contact start working after a breakup?
Let’s be honest, there are some cases in which no contact won’t work. If your ex left you for someone that they are madly in love with, or if you treated them so badly that their friends and family are now against you too, no contact will likely not work.
But in the overwhelming majority of cases, you will be able to get a reaction from your ex. They will start missing you. They will start recalling all the positive aspects of your relationship and wondering whether they made a mistake. They might not reach out straight away but still, the seed which you planted is there.
The great thing about no contact is that it makes you a winner whether your ex reaches out or not. In the best case scenario, your ex starts to miss you so much they beg you to take them back. You now have the upper hand in the relationship, and are free to decide whether you actually want them back. In the worst case scenario, your ex maintains radio silence. Now, while this may sound bad, is it still not better than begging for them to take you back? Not only will keeping in contact with your ex after a breakup make it harder for you to get over them, it also makes you unattractive to them and those around. Asking someone who broke up with you to take you back is an act of desperation. It sends the message: I am willing to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I am willing to settle for something less than love. And this makes you lesser in their eyes.
In conclusion, no contact usually works. And even in cases where it doesn’t work, it lets you keep the upper hand and, more importantly, your dignity. Think about it, even if your ex doesn’t beg to have you back, they will still be impressed by the aura of mystery that you create by maintaining radio silence over the period of no contact.
What is your ex like?
So will no contact work in your particular case? One thing you have to ask yourself is what your ex is like. Is she an impulsive girl? Is he a patient guy? In general, no contact works best on people who tend to act on impulse, and on those with little patience. Because the truth is, during no contact with your ex, they will start to miss you no matter what. What they do with that feeling is dependent on their personality. If you were dating an incredibly stubborn person, it might take months before your ex gives in and reaches out. With another personality type, it might be a matter of days. So get in your ex’s head: what are they like? How long are they likely to be able to delay the gratification of getting back in touch with you?
Why is my ex not texting me?
The truth is, there is no real way to know what your ex is thinking. They might not be texting you because they want to prove to themselves that they can live without you. Or because they are afraid to admit to themselves they made the wrong choice in breaking up with you. Just remember: the fact that they are not texting doesn’t mean they don’t care. Chances are, they miss you already but are just not ready to make the next step which is getting back in touch.
Does my ex miss me?
After 30 days of no contact, you may be asking yourself: “does he miss me during no contact?” Is this actually working? While you can never know for sure that your ex is missing you, there are a few signs that don’t lie. If your ex is asking about you to mutual friends, this is a first sign. If you run into them “by accident”, it may be another. Generally though, try not to obsess about whether your ex is thinking of you. That kind of thought pattern actually makes you feel weaker, and might make you more likely to break your own, self-imposed no contact rule.
What if my ex got into a new relationship?
If your ex got into a rebound relationship after your breakup, you may be thinking you’ve lost all your chances of making no contact work. Not so. A rebound relationship is, by definition, not as solid or genuine as the relationship that you and your ex shared. Chances are, they only entered that relationship to make you jealous. Now it’s your turn to play. Show that you are jealous and you will come across as a real loser. Show you don’t care by maintaining your no contact rule, and you come up on top. Eventually, your ex will get tired of the other person they started seeing. Attracted by the mystery that you’ve created around yourself by going radio silence, they will (probably) try to get in contact with you again.
Should I call my ex?
After a few weeks or months of going no contact with ex, you may feel like you’ve lost. They’ve had time to make a move and they haven’t. So should you risk it all and call them first? Well, let’s take a second and analyze the situation. If your ex is notoriously stubborn and you have only been doing no contact for a month or two, wait it out. They will probably come around. Now, if you have an impulsive ex who is not getting back in touch after 3 months or more, it’s time to act. At that point, you have nothing to lose so you might as well text them or call to ask how they are doing. Keep it casual, present yourself in a positive light, and never, NEVER beg for them to take you back. What you are trying to achieve with that phone call is to make them miss you even more, so that they’ll eventually be the one asking to see you again.
So when will no contact start working? Give it time, it’s different for everyone. The one thing that you need to remember is that refusing to contact your ex for a period of time is the best thing you can do, whether or not they reach out to you. So be patient, be strong, and be proud of yourself for acting with dignity. After all, partners come and go, but your relationship with yourself is what has to be maintained over a lifetime. You’ve got this!
Do you need help with your ex? Contact us for one-on-one coaching or check out this online course The No Contact Contract.
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As a relationship expert with a deep understanding of human psychology and dynamics, I can confidently delve into the concepts discussed in the article, providing insights backed by both theoretical knowledge and practical experience.
No Contact Rule and Its Purpose: The no contact rule, as described in the article, involves creating a significant emotional and physical distance between you and your ex after a breakup. It's a strategic approach aimed at shifting the power dynamics in the relationship. By initiating the no contact rule, you are reclaiming control over your emotions and signaling to your ex that you are not willing to settle for a relationship where you are undervalued.
Duration of No Contact: The article suggests a minimum of 30 days for the no contact rule, emphasizing that the length may vary depending on the specific circ*mstances of the breakup. This period of silence serves to create a void, disrupt expected behaviors, and elicit unexpected emotions from the ex-partner.
Psychological Impact on the Ex: The no contact rule is presented as a way to make the ex-partner reconsider their decision to break up. By surprising them with a lack of desperate pleas and immediate attempts at reconciliation, the article argues that the ex is more likely to experience a sense of loss and question their own decision.
Variability in Effectiveness: The article acknowledges that the success of the no contact rule may vary depending on the unique characteristics of the individuals involved. It suggests that individuals who act impulsively or have low patience are more likely to feel the impact of the no contact strategy sooner.
Dealing with an Ex in a New Relationship: Addressing the scenario where an ex enters a rebound relationship, the article maintains that a rebound is less stable and genuine than the previous connection. It advises maintaining the no contact rule, allowing the ex to recognize the shortcomings of the new relationship and potentially reevaluate their decisions.
Initiating Contact: The article provides guidance on when to consider breaking the no contact rule by reaching out to the ex. It emphasizes a strategic approach based on the ex-partner's personality, suggesting patience for stubborn individuals and a more proactive stance for those who are impulsive.
Understanding Ex's Behavior: The article acknowledges the ambiguity of interpreting an ex's actions, such as not texting. It suggests that an ex-partner may be refraining from contact for various reasons, including the need to prove independence or fear of admitting a mistake.
Self-Reflection and Personal Growth: The conclusion underscores the importance of maintaining dignity, patience, and self-respect during and after the no contact period. It encourages individuals to focus on their own well-being and personal development, emphasizing that one's relationship with oneself is paramount.
In summary, the article combines psychological insights with practical advice, offering a comprehensive guide for individuals navigating the complexities of post-breakup scenarios.
