The three-month itch: should men commit at this point? (2024)

"Why do women always ruin things by wanting to talk about them?"

Well, here's why. If the statistics are anything to go by, a woman's chances of falling pregnant decrease from the moment she hits age 27.

Adding to her woes is the fact that the pool of men available to her decreases from the moment she reaches 30, and her chances of ever getting hitched decrease dramatically once she hits 40.

So it's no wonder that women are more inclined (as they get older) to demand some sort of affirmation that they're not wasting their time by putting all their eggs (so to speak) into one non-committal male basket.

Even if the woman doesn't mention a thing, I've heard many stories of men running off at this stage in the bonking cycle.

Which makes me wonder: what do so many men fear might happen at the three-month mark that cause so many of them to leave? Do they think the girl suddenly changes? Do they fear losing control? Do they start to feel guilty for "just having fun" when she might want something more? And is that such a bad thing anyway?

Says Craig: "It's as though we feel a kind of 'pressure' that this is either the make or break point of seeing this person. You know them pretty well by now, they know you. They haven't left after getting to know you so they must like you. For some, though, it's a simple flow that never interrupts and possibly they are the happiest."

So how the heck are we supposed to bring it up, without interrupting the so-called flow?

"The key is to use the word 'exclusive'," my friend 29-year-old friend Jed told me the other day.

He's decided recently to commit to a woman after she asked him what he wanted out of the relationship.

"I don't know," he replied when she asked him during dinner.

"Well, should I be seeing other people then?" she countered.

"Definitely not," he said. And so it was settled: they were in an exclusive relationship.

"But what if she asked you if you wanted to get married any time soon?" I asked.

"I'd dump her," he said, not missing a beat. Right.

Of course, not that all men are the same either. In fact, by my reckoning, there are three types of men:

Type A: the Stayers

A rare breed, these men actually want a relationship, are eager to make a woman their girlfriend and will do anything to get one. Some blokes are masters at doing so ("it's not a matter of if a girl becomes my girlfriend, but when," one of these girlfriend-type guys told me), while others are utterly clueless.

"I'm too nice," one complained. "I'm not what they're looking for," another said. "I can't get past three dates, let alone three months!" lamented a third. Sigh.

Type B: the Players

This is the worst kind of bloke who swaps his women as often as he changes his condom packets. The unfortunate news is that this type is increasing in numbers so rapidly (thanks to the proliferation of the "sexually empowered woman", the casual sex generation and online dating), that you'd be lucky not to land yourself one of these caddish boys who will rope you in and spit you out before you can ask, "Have you thought about changing your single Facebook status?"

In fact, mention anything to this breed of bloke about commitment, exclusivity or being "in a relationship" and watch the dates subside and the flirty text messages come to an abrupt and sudden halt.

The good news, ladies, is that it's not you; it's his testosterone. And while every poor woman who jumps into bed with him hopes she can change him with the belief that he's "the one", here's a sobering fact: he's not. Just ask his multitude of heartbroken exes. I should know.

Man type C: the Commitment-phobes

Good luck at ever roping this man in. While he might not have a gaggle of women on his speed dial (see the Players), he's never been in a long-term relationship either and can't quite understand why he should be in one ... ever.

"I love my freedom!" he'll say. "I don't want to compromise my lifestyle for anyone!" he'll tell you. And then he'll reach the age of George Clooney and his options will grow astronomically and he'll reach confirmed bachelor status and you'll still be trying to lock him down for a second date, let alone a second month.

So why all the three month malice? Are we choosing the wrong men? Not speaking up soon enough? Or speaking up too soon and scaring them off? Should we just learn to enjoy "the moment" and forget about the future (as they'd love us to do)?

Or, perhaps, it's as Ask Sam reader Mick wrote to me, "If after three months you are not already committed, then there's something wrong!"

Oh yes, and he's a bloke, too. Perhaps there's hope after all..

Question: Men, would you run if a woman asked you where things were going after two to three months? Ladies, do you feel you have a right to ask? And those in relationships, how long did it take for you to commit?