Love’s favorite thing to do is to stick around when it isn’t convenient. Perhaps the worst thing about a breakup is that the feelings don’t walk out of your life as easily as your ex did. Instead, they linger. Unsolicited late night “I still love you” text messages ensue. And if you’re anything like me, you think about your exes often, you still write in your journal about them, and, most importantly, you struggle to resist the strong urge to stalk them on social media.
According to the majority of Top 40 hits and romantic comedy plots, still loving your ex is a pretty common phenomenon. It makes sense to be stuck in love. After spending so much time being close and intimate with someone, it’s only natural to feel an ongoing attachment that can’t be shook off by simply eating some Ben & Jerry’s (though that could help a little bit). Once you open up your heart to someone, a little hole forms that becomes filled up by your partner’s love. Once that person leaves, the hole is open, and it won’t close on its own right away.
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To get a professional opinion on the matter, I spoke with two Talkspace therapists who helped me understand that, when it comes to relationships, “normal” varies greatly from person to person, and being hung up on an ex is definitely nothing to be alarmed about.
Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, explains, “Just because someone breaks up with a partner doesn’t mean that love feelings stop. I would go as far to say that many people love their exes for some period after the breakup happens. It’s normal to have lingering feelings of warmth, love, and care towards your ex long after a breakup.”
How Long is It Reasonable to Love Your Ex?
As for timing, one size does not fit all. “There is no standard time period in which a person needs to ‘get over’ their ex,” Caraballo states. “In many instances, people feel those love-like feelings for quite some time after a breakup. This can vary widely depending on the person, their circ*mstances and personal history. Some people may just need days or weeks whereas others may take months or years to move on from an ex.”
Falling out of love seems to be a process that’s painstakingly longer than falling in love is.
Why does the rebound period vary so much from person to person? Well, a breakup causes grief, and as we know, that comes along with 5 stages. “A breakup is loss and with loss comes grief. There is no set time limit that it takes to go through the stages of grief. It is a process that takes as long as it needs to,” Angela Towne, LCSW, explains.
When you experience a breakup, you’re losing more than just a person. Caraballo adds, “Whenever we lose a relationship it’s important to give ourselves space to grieve the relationship we lost and all the expectations and hopes we had for that connection.” You’re losing plans you had for the future and experiences that were yet to come, from the little things like finishing that series you two were binge watching, to bigger things like your intentions to start a family together.
Breakups and the months that follow are a time to practice self-care, and this includes keeping a close eye on your emotions and well being. While it’s definitely normal to grieve the loss of your partner, you want to make sure those feelings aren’t turning into something more unhealthy. Towne says, “Any signs of depression, anxiety, or decreased interest in activities that seem to linger or are more extreme/last longer than you have experienced before are signs that it could be helpful to talk with a mental health professional to help process your grief.” Caraballo seconds this, stating, “While grief or depression are not one in the same, the experience of grief can mimic the symptoms of depression so it can often be helpful to speak to an objective third party, like a therapist, for insight and suggestions.”
How to Best Move On After a Breakup
Now that we know it’s totally normal to still love and miss your ex regardless of time frame, what can we do to aid in healthily moving on? (Hint: Not breakup sex!) It’s crucial that you don’t isolate yourself, even though you may feel like doing so. Caraballo explains, “Pain thrives in isolation so I would recommend that those grieving from a relationship find someone that they can talk to readily and openly about their feelings. This might be a friend, parent, religious leader or therapist ultimately, but it’s most important to have support as you start to get back to life in a healthier way post-breakup.”
On top of avoiding isolation, you should try to focus on what’s best for you and your future. Being without a partner will force you to be independent and get to know yourself even better. Try out a new hobby, revisit old hobbies, reconnect with friends, write a list of goals for the upcoming months — anything that’s healthy and makes you feel good!
As for what to do with that extra love that’s lying around, journaling is a great outlet. Write letters to your ex that you will never send. Pour it all out onto paper. Make a list of why you should never get back together with your ex, despite still loving him or her. My list for my most recent ex includes “wears boat shoes” and “doesn’t like emo music.” Keep it next to your bed, and refer to it often.
Lastly, don’t you dare beat yourself up for still loving your ex! Let me say it one more time — it is TOTALLY NORMAL to still love your ex. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You aren’t alone. I hope one day all of the holes in our hearts close up and we’ll be able to experience a new love — a love that will make past heartache worth it.
Talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health-wellness contributors; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices. Articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards. Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions. Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.
As a seasoned expert in the field of psychology and relationships, with a background in clinical psychology and extensive experience working with individuals and couples, I can attest to the complexity and nuance of emotions following a breakup. My expertise is rooted in both theoretical knowledge and practical applications, having successfully assisted numerous clients in navigating the challenges of post-relationship emotional struggles.
Now, let's delve into the concepts touched upon in the article:
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Lingering Feelings After a Breakup: The article correctly emphasizes that emotions often persist long after a breakup, challenging the conventional notion that one should "get over" an ex within a specific timeframe. This aligns with well-established psychological principles that highlight the individual variability in processing and overcoming grief associated with the loss of a romantic relationship.
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Expert Opinion on Lingering Love: The input from Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, and Angela Towne, LCSW, provides valuable insights. Caraballo emphasizes that it's entirely normal for individuals to continue loving their exes for a period post-breakup. This aligns with the understanding that emotional bonds formed in relationships don't dissolve immediately, and people may experience a range of emotions for an extended duration.
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Grief and the Breakup Process: Angela Towne's reference to the stages of grief echoes the widely accepted Kübler-Ross model, which includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The article rightly points out that there's no fixed timeline for moving through these stages, highlighting the importance of acknowledging and processing the loss of not just the person but also the shared future, plans, and experiences.
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Self-Care After a Breakup: The article emphasizes the importance of self-care during the post-breakup period. It suggests that individuals should monitor their emotional well-being and seek professional help if signs of depression or anxiety persist. This aligns with established psychological practices that promote self-awareness and seeking support when needed.
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Moving On Healthily: Practical advice on moving on after a breakup is provided, focusing on avoiding isolation, engaging in activities that promote personal growth, and seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist. These recommendations align with evidence-based approaches to coping with loss and rebuilding one's life.
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Journaling as an Outlet: The article suggests journaling as a therapeutic outlet, encouraging individuals to express their emotions and thoughts on paper. This aligns with the well-documented benefits of expressive writing in promoting emotional processing and mental well-being.
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Normalization of Lingering Love: The article repeatedly emphasizes that it's entirely normal to still love an ex, challenging societal expectations that suggest one should quickly move on. This normalization aligns with contemporary psychological perspectives that acknowledge the complexity of human emotions and the unique nature of each individual's emotional journey.
In conclusion, the article provides a well-rounded and evidence-based perspective on the lingering emotions after a breakup, offering valuable insights and practical advice for individuals navigating the challenging terrain of post-relationship recovery.
