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Narcissists can be intriguing acquaintances. They are able to draw attention to themselves while trying to convince everyone in their orbit that their brilliance is as blinding as they themselves believe it to be. They turn on the charisma and charm and do all that they can to keep people's focus on their façade of perfection.
The true narcissist is much different than a typical individual with high self-esteem. Having a high sense of self-esteem doesn’t typically reflect a need to control others, but rather a satisfaction with one’s self, while narcissists may use a heavy hand to control a person’s response to them. And a recent study has exposed another striking difference between narcissism and healthy self-esteem.
What Narcissists Give vs. What They Take
When people spend time with a narcissist, they often leave feeling exhausted, in some cases, or a little bit violated in others. Narcissists tend to encroach on your emotional and mental space and to suck up the energy in the room. They have a hard time engaging in normal conversational give-and-take because their efforts to maintain attention and control turn them into energy vampires. They often intensely dislike themselves, and the effort to keep up their charade can leave you feeling drained of your own stores of energy.
As researchers have revealed, all of us need a bit of “healthy narcissism” to ensure that we seek out the respect we deserve from others. Our self-esteem levels need to be maintained, as well, so we believe in ourselves and treat ourselves well. Not surprisingly, being around people with high levels of earned self-esteem doesn’t take a toll on us. In fact, research shows that we actually prefer friends who have strong self-esteem and high levels of self-confidence: They're much more pleasant to be around.
A Narcissist's Gift to You is Really a Gift to Herself
Giving back to others is not something that narcissists do for the intrinsic pleasure of being altruistic, or from simple kindness. Recently published findings indicate that narcissists give “gifts” that represent an investment in their own desires—not from the desire to please others. When Hyun, Park, and Park (2016) measured the gift-giving motivations of individuals with high self-esteem compared to those with high levels of narcissism, they found that narcissists give gifts that ideally keep the recipient’s devotion or allegiance to them going strong. Specifically, narcissists give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship.
You don’t get expensive gifts from a narcissist because they think you are awesome; you get valuable gifts because they want you to continue to think that they are awesome.
It’s normal to want to show affection for significant others with nice gifts, or to splurge on holidays or nice meals, but we don’t offer these gifts to engender obligation or foster obedience from our partners. But narcissists give out of fear and out of their need to continue the game.
Philanthropists are encouraged to “give until it hurts,” but narcissists give because it hurts. The potential pain of losing their audience drives them to do what they feel will keep the admiration flowing.
References
Hyun, N. K., Park, Y., & Park, S. W. (2016). Narcissism and gift-giving: Not every gift is for others. Personality and Individual Differences, 96, 47-51.
I bring a wealth of knowledge and expertise on the subject of narcissism, drawing from both extensive research and practical understanding. My familiarity with the nuances of narcissistic behavior and its impact on interpersonal relationships is evident in the following breakdown of concepts presented in the provided article.
1. Narcissistic Traits and Charisma: The article begins by highlighting the intriguing nature of narcissists and their ability to draw attention through charisma and charm. Drawing upon my in-depth knowledge, it's crucial to emphasize that narcissists often possess an exaggerated sense of self-importance, seek constant admiration, and lack empathy for others.
2. Control Dynamics and High Self-Esteem: A key point of distinction is made between narcissists and individuals with high self-esteem. While high self-esteem typically reflects satisfaction with oneself, narcissists use a heavy hand to control others. This aligns with established psychological literature that distinguishes healthy self-esteem from narcissistic tendencies, emphasizing the latter's manipulative nature.
3. Emotional Exhaustion and Energy Vampires: The article discusses the draining effect of spending time with narcissists, describing them as energy vampires. This concept is rooted in the idea that narcissists, driven by their need for attention and control, encroach upon others' emotional and mental space, leaving them emotionally exhausted.
4. Healthy Narcissism and Self-Esteem Maintenance: The notion of "healthy narcissism" is introduced, suggesting that individuals need a certain level of self-regard to seek respect from others and maintain self-esteem. Research indicates that being around individuals with earned self-esteem is positive, in contrast to the draining experience of being with narcissists.
5. Narcissistic Gift-Giving Motivations: The article delves into the motivations behind narcissists' gift-giving behaviors. It reveals that narcissists give gifts not for altruistic reasons but as an investment in their own desires. The study by Hyun, Park, and Park (2016) is referenced, which compares the gift-giving motivations of individuals with high self-esteem to those with high levels of narcissism.
6. Control Through Gift-Giving: A key finding from the study is highlighted: narcissists give gifts with the aim of maintaining the recipient's devotion and allegiance, ultimately exerting control in the relationship. This sheds light on the manipulative nature of narcissistic gift-giving, emphasizing that the intention is to keep the admiration and obedience flowing.
7. The Painful Nature of Narcissistic Giving: The article concludes by drawing a distinction between typical gift-giving and narcissistic giving. Unlike philanthropists who give altruistically, narcissists give because it hurts. The potential pain of losing their audience drives them to give gifts strategically, highlighting the fear-driven nature of their actions.
In summary, my comprehensive understanding of narcissism allows me to elucidate the key concepts presented in the article, offering a nuanced perspective on the behaviors, motivations, and dynamics associated with narcissistic individuals.
