QUESTION: I did read some of the responses online about gift giving, however, I would very much appreciate your guidance with a more specific situation.
We have five grandchildren who are all adults — college graduates — and are all gainfully employed. We have gifted them since the day of their birth, every birthday, Christmas and Easter. We have continued to gift them at Christmas and birthdays, but now there is no acknowledgment of the gift. None. There has NEVER been any gift to us. Yes, we do love them, but the constant rudeness is hard to take. Our birthdays, Christmas etc. are never acknowledged. I feel that if they cared about us, they would at least call once a year. What is your thinking?
CALLIE'S ANSWER: This is actually a reflection on your own children. They should have taught their children about grandparents' birthdays and special holidays. I don't believe your grandchildren know they are being rude or that you are feeling neglected. Let your children know how you feel.
LILLIE-BETH'S ANSWER: Have you ever talked to your children about this and told them how you feel? Do your grandchildren show you love in other ways but fall short in the gift-giving or thank-you department? Perhaps your children haven't taught that reciprocity to their own children. There might be other underlying reasons, or excuses, about the lack of acknowledgment. Maybe it's time to have a gentle talk with them (or your own children) and tell them that when they don't acknowledge your gifts or even your own birthday with a call that you feel hurt, unloved or unappreciated. Then see if they have any ideas about what all of you can do to make celebrations more meaningful to the giver and the recipient, like spending that money on shared memories. Keep in mind that what you're doing is out of love for your grandchildren and then let the rest of your actions fall into place.
HELEN'S ANSWER: Do you still give gifts to the parents of the grandchildren (your children) and do they acknowledge the gifts? The grandchildren might think they are included when their parents thank you? Just a thought.
Maybe this year, or the next holiday, you might send a card to the five grandchildren wishing them the happiest of holidays.
Children should be taught when they are young to appreciate acts of kindness so they when they are grown and in the busy world, they remember to thank people who are nice to them, with large or small gifts, along the way. You have been wonderful grandparents to them so enjoy that knowledge. Merry Christmas!
GUEST'S ANSWER: JANE JAYROE, former Miss America and television news anchor: I'm sorry your feelings are hurt and you're disappointed in the behavior of your family. When we love our children and grandchildren we want to give to them. But when they grow up without a sense of appreciation, we have to wonder how they missed learning about generosity and gratitude. And as the “givers,” how do we change the giving dance to let them know their lack of thanksgiving is not OK? One idea would be to stop giving gifts and instead send a card saying how much you love them. Another idea would be to spend the gift money on experiences that you could share. Or you could continue with gift giving but change your expectations of a response.
I can't help but wonder if they appreciate you but haven't expressed it. I adored my grandparents but I'm sure I didn't express it adequately.
It is more blessed to give than receive, but it is nice to be thanked.
Callie Gordon is 20-something, Lillie-Beth Brinkman is in her 40s, and social columnist Helen Ford Wallace is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net. For more 20-40-60 etiquette, go to newsok.com/blogs/parties-extra.
I'm an etiquette enthusiast with a deep understanding of social dynamics, familial relationships, and the art of gift-giving. Over the years, I've delved into various cultural norms and interpersonal dynamics to gain insights into how people express gratitude and appreciation. My expertise extends to the intricacies of family dynamics, especially those involving different generations.
In the article, the writer seeks advice on a situation where they have been consistently gifting their adult grandchildren, who, in turn, show no acknowledgment or reciprocity. Callie suggests that the lack of acknowledgment is a reflection on the children, emphasizing the importance of parental guidance in teaching appreciation for special occasions.
Lillie-Beth emphasizes communication and recommends talking to the children about their feelings. She suggests exploring whether the grandchildren express love in other ways and encourages a gentle conversation to convey hurt feelings. She also proposes considering alternative ways to make celebrations more meaningful.
Helen raises the question of whether the grandparents receive acknowledgment from the parents of the grandchildren, speculating that the grandchildren might think they are included in their parents' expressions of gratitude. She suggests sending cards to the grandchildren and highlights the importance of teaching children to appreciate acts of kindness from a young age.
The guest, Jane Jayroe, adds a celebrity perspective, expressing empathy for the writer's situation. She explores the idea of changing the giving approach, such as opting for experiences instead of gifts, or adjusting expectations for responses.
In conclusion, the experts in the article share a common theme of communication and understanding within the family. They highlight the need for expressing feelings, exploring alternative ways of giving, and fostering a culture of appreciation from a young age. Their advice is rooted in the principles of reciprocity, gratitude, and effective communication in maintaining healthy family relationships.
