Why The Dumpee Should Contact The Dumper After A Breakup (2024)

Today we’re going to talk about if the dumpee should ever contact the dumper after a breakup.

The quick and short answer: Yes, in fact I’d encourage it but only if a certain set of criteria is met.

And that’s what this article is about, showing you the criteria in which the dumpee should contact the dumper.

Additionally, I’d like to dig in a bit further and explain that it’s not so much “if you should contact a dumper.” It’s also about how you contact them.

Let’s get started.

Why I Believe The Dumpee Should Contact The Dumper If You Want Them Back

Alright so we first start with a philosophical question. Before asking if you should contact a dumper I’d encourage you to ask yourself if you even want your ex back.

If the answer to that is no then you might find it easier to simply just move on with your life.

Of course, I say this knowing that the vast majority of people who use this website want their exes back.

Therefore, I’m going to focus most of my energy on those individuals.

A few weeks ago I co-wrote/filmed/recorded an article, video and podcast with Coach Anna where we talked about “how to tell a guy you like him.”

In it she was nice enough to create this graphic,

Now, the beautiful part about it is that while it was intended for “telling a guy you like him” it can also be applied to if should contact your ex.

She writes,

If you don’t take action on telling a guy you like him expect the following things to happen,

1. You’ll keep your feelings to yourself and pine away forever in secret. Similar to how Snape pined away in secret forever for Lily Potter.
2. Move on. This is straightforward. You say nothing, and, even if your family and friends know, you make them promise to never say anything about your former love. You ultimately find someone that you can love or communicate your love to, and you build a life partnership with that person.

To further illustrate this point I’d like to point at some internal research we conducted,

In polling our private facebook support group I got curious on how often exes tended to reach out during the no contact rule.

The average breakup pundit would have you believe that with the no contact rule there would be a significant shift in how often they reach out to you.

Turns out that the majority of exes don’t reach out to you during no contact.

And we know that close to 90% of the individuals who read this article will be the dumpee.

So, more often than not the dumpee will have to reach out to the dumper first.

But only if the right set of criteria are met.

What is that criteria?

Simply put you’ve done the following things,

1. Completed a no contact rule
2. Used that no contact to outgrow an ex
3. Tempered escalation expectations
4. Studied what successful first contact text messages look like

Luckily for you, I’m going to go over each one of these things for you.

Make Sure You Complete A No Contact Rule

I’ve written in depth before about the importance of finishing a no contact rule no matter what situation you find yourself in.

I highly recommend you read this in depth guide I did on it (and believe me I go deep.)

Also, I recommend you watch this video,

Officially our definition of the no contact is,

A period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

Now, we of course allow for certain exceptions to the no contact rule.

For example, if you,

• Live with an ex
• Share a child with them
• Go to school together
• Work together

Obviously cutting off all contact with them can’t really happen all the way. Instead, in those cases we recommend periods of limited no contact.

Read this article if you want to figure out what that is.

Here’s the thing though, lately we’ve been undergoing a mindset shift in regards to the no contact rule and it just so happens to play directly into figuring out when it’s ok to contact an ex.

Make Sure You Use The No Contact Rule To Outgrow Your Ex

In 2020 we really started taking a look at success stories that came through our program who got their exes back and started looking for patterns that set them apart from all the unsuccessful clients.

Two patterns really emerged.

1. Each of them got to this place emotionally where they had outgrown wanting their ex back.
2. There was an element of fear of loss there

I’d really like to explore that first one because it’s super important.

Now, when I say “outgrown wanting their ex back.” It’s not that they didn’t want their ex back, many of them still did, but they didn’t look at it like the end of the world if they didn’t succeed.

It’s almost like their ex wasn’t their first priority anymore. They found something they cared about just as much or more than their exes.

I’ve been calling this concept the magnum opus,

So, my argument is simple. Instead of using the no contact rule to focus on your ex I say use it to outgrow your ex by finding something you care about just as much or more than your ex.

This will be unique to you and it’s not the type of thing that you can simply achieve in a day but rather a lifetime.

It’s that one thing that you actively want to dedicate every ounce of your soul to.

When you’ve found it, then you can contact your ex.

Luckily, the no contact rule is the perfect time to start searching for this thing.

Of course, it’s important that you have tempered your escalation expectations.

Make Sure You Temper Your Escalation Expectation

Romance is nothing more than an escalation of communication both physically and linguistically.

Perhaps the biggest mistake that dumpees make when they contact dumpers is they try to escalate things back to how they were when the relationship was going on.

Unfortunately that’s not the case though and doing so often makes dumpers retreat.

It’s the very reason for why we created the value ladder concept.

It’s all about tempering our clients expectations and showing them how communication is supposed to work post breakup.

The way the value ladder is supposed to be used is that you aren’t allowed to move up to a different escalation of communication until you’ve provided enough value to earn that next level.

Why I’m sure this isn’t going to land with a lot of the women reading this it’s the best example I can think of.

I’ve always viewed it similar to that of a video game. You aren’t allowed to go to the next level until you’ve completed the current level you are in.

Same principle applies here.

You aren’t allowed to escalate communication with your ex until you provide enough value on the currently level you are stuck on.

Of course, we always have clients who like to go with their gut on this and the result usually ends up the same. They end up scaring their ex off because they are going too fast too soon.

If you want to learn more about how the value ladder works then I highly recommend that you check out this article.

Studying Successful First Contact Text Messages

Let’s say that you’ve hit all the criteria I talked about above and you are ready to reach out to your ex.

How do you do that?

Well, this is something we’ve studied in-depth. Successful first contact text messages have the following things in common.

1. They have an embedded element of mystery involved
2. Damsel in distress works pretty well
3. They don’t try to do too much

Let’s take a moment and talk about each.

The Embedded Element Of Mystery

I’m going to take real life first contact text messages our clients have used and shared with us in our private facebook support group to illustrate my points.

“So… Have you heard the news?”

What news?

Is it good?

Is it bad?

This entire text message works because of the embedded element of mystery involved.

And of course, it’s really easy to pull off. It’s essentially framing a question around a piece of knowledge you have that your ex does not.

Damsel In Distress Text Messages Work Pretty Well

This was not my original invention. I’d actually have to give credit to my wife who is involved on and off in the business from time to time.

The way damsel in distress text messages work is that you text your ex with a problem that “only they can solve” which taps into their hero complex because after all, they can come in and be the hero.

(The reality almost always is that you can solve the problem yourself but your ex doesn’t need to know that.)

Here’s a prime example of this put into practice,

Take note of how the ex jumped right in to give his football expertise.

She’s also asking him a question about an area of his interest which makes him more likely to respond favorably.

First Contact Text Messages Don’t Try To Do Too Much

I’d like to take a deeper look at the football text message I used as an example above because this is a great example of this point as well.

The client engages her ex, damsel in distress style, gets a response and then she’s out of there.

That’s the thing about first contact text messages. If you’ve done a no contact rule then it’s literally the first time you’ve contacted your ex in a minimum of three weeks.

Don’t turn the dial up to 100 right away. Instead, turn it up to a five.

Get in, get out.

Yes, you can engage them a little bit but the point is to simply re-establish contact.

I want you to think in terms of months instead of days. Rebuilding a relationship successfully isn’t going to happen overnight. Stop expecting it to.