Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance in my Relationship? (2024)

Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner that they love you? That they even want to be with you? That you’re attracted to them? That they won’t cheat one day?

You’re not alone—many people may experience doubt in a relationship and may occasionally need reassurance. Your need for reassurance could stem from general self-esteem issues or a history of toxic relationships. Maybe you found out that your ex-boyfriend was cheating on you the entire time you were dating—this would understandably make it hard to trust your current partner, and you may constantly need to be reassured that they’re not cheating on you.

Feeling insecure in your relationship from time to time is completely normal. However, if you find yourself and your partner exhausted by your constant need for reassurance and your daily life impacted by it, you may have a condition known as relationship OCD (ROCD).

Before we dive into ROCD, let’s explore exactly what obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is.

What is OCD?

OCD is characterized by a pattern of recurrent, intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors or mental acts. The thoughts are referred to as “obsessions.” For each individual with OCD, the obsessions can vary and often center on a certain theme. These themes are known as OCD subtypes.

For example, someone with checking OCD may experience obsessions over whether their door is actually locked or whether the stove is off.

No matter the subtype, people with OCD engage in ritualistic behavior in an attempt to relieve the distress and anxiety that their obsessions cause. These behaviors are the “compulsion” half of the OCD cycle. In the case of someone with checking OCD, the compulsion may look like nonstop checking that the door is locked.

While many people might like to double-check their door is actually locked, someone with OCD may fear that something bad will happen if they don’t keep checking repeatedly. Furthermore, the compulsions they engage in do little to alleviate their anxiety, leaving them feeling “stuck” in the cycle of obsessions and compulsions.

What is relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD, commonly referred to as ROCD, is a subtype of OCD that follows the same vicious obsessive-compulsive cycle. With ROCD, the obsessions focus on uncertainties in an intimate relationship. Similar to relationship anxiety, ROCD can encompass insecurities and worries that many people experience in a relationship. However, for someone with ROCD, these doubts feel intrusive and trigger compulsions.

Of course, every relationship is bound to have its doubts and insecurities. The difference with ROCD is that these doubts can feel impossible to tolerate, are often unfounded in any actual event or reason, and persist despite attempts to work through them—or feel reassured about them. That’s because they’re intrusive, meaning that they don’t align with your actual thoughts or beliefs about your relationship.

You may have an intrusive thought about your partner cheating one day, despite having no actual reason to worry about it. Many people might experience a similar thought and simply brush it off with little to no effort, recognizing that it doesn’t mean anything. People with OCD, however, will feel as if they can’t move on from the thought without doing something to feel certain that their partner won’t cheat.

That’s where compulsions come into play. This might involve comparing your relationship to others’ relationships for signs that it’s better or worse, repeatedly checking online forums for others’ experiences, or “testing” your attraction to your partner when you see them. Often, compulsions take the form of reassurance-seeking: you ask your partner questions to alleviate your doubts, or you even repeat certain things to yourself in order to feel reassured.

Why ROCD might make you compulsively seek reassurance

If each time you feel uncertain in your relationship, you feel an intense and all-consuming urge to seek reassurance from your partner that they love you or from your friends that you’re in the right relationship, you may have ROCD. This can feel overwhelming and isolating, but knowing that you may have ROCD is the first step to getting treatment and feeling more secure in your relationship.

Here are a few examples of the ways you might seek reassurance from your partner or others if you’re struggling with ROCD:

• Are you sure you’re not mad at me?
• Were you upset earlier? Is there anything I can do to help?
• We’re okay, right?
• You would let me know if you weren’t attracted to me anymore, right?
• There’s no way we could break up, right?

The problem with compulsive reassurance-seeking is that no amount of reassurance is ever enough for OCD. While reassurance from your partner may make you feel a bit better in the moment, it does nothing to prevent your intrusive thoughts and doubts from returning again later. In fact, it actually reinforces these doubts, teaching your brain that reassurance helped you avoid something threatening in your relationship, making your worries even more intense.

How can I get ROCD treated?

While it may be scary to learn that you have ROCD, the good news is that it is easily treatable. For any subtype of OCD, the gold standard of treatment is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is a form of therapy that works by exposing you to your triggers in a safe and controlled environment in order to help you better manage your compulsions. In other words, you’ll learn healthier ways of handling your relationship insecurities—and, ultimately, you’ll need less reassurance in your relationship.

As an OCD specialist with decades of experience treating ROCD, I know from personal experience that ERP can allow you to feel more secure in your relationship—and your life in general. At NOCD, all our therapists specialize in OCD and intensive training in ERP. If you think you may be struggling with ROCD, I encourage you to read more about our evidence-based approach to OCD treatment.