Wedding Q&A (Published 2011) (2024)

When Cash Is Preferred

We recently received a wedding invitation from a couple from India who now live in the United States, with the words “No boxed gifts, please.”

Though the invitation comes from friends in our close Indian community, we are deciding to give a present in a gift bag instead of giving a cash gift, as we are uncomfortable with offering cash. We are also helping with other aspects of the wedding and hope the family does do not feel offended by our gestures. Are we rude not to give cash? Kindly advise.

Anonymous,

United States

The phrase “no boxed gifts” was unfamiliar to me, so I investigated Indian wedding customs on the Web. As you imply, the phrase is code for “We prefer cash.” It seems an odd request on an Indian wedding invitation for several reasons.

Cash is the typical and traditional wedding gift for an Indian bride and bridegroom, both from relatives and friends, and it’s often given in amounts ending in “1” for good luck. Tangible gifts are customary as well, usually something for the home. What is more important than the gift itself is the spirit and sincerity with which it is given.

Members of the Indian community would be well aware of wedding gift-giving customs, so mentioning on the invitation that the couple would prefer the most traditional type of gift seems gratuitous. Even if there were many non-Indian guests being invited, it would not be hard for them to find out what to give.

More research revealed that it is not typical to mention gifts on an invitation to an Indian wedding or wedding reception, so perhaps this is a new trend. My advice to future brides and grooms: Forgo any mention of gifts, type of gift or “no gifts” on your invitation. In Indian culture, as in American culture, the choice of a gift is always up to the giver. Any mention of gifts shifts the emphasis away from your guest. If you want to spread the word, do so tactfully by word of mouth through family, wedding attendants or your wedding Web site. Above all, show your gratitude for all your gifts, cash or otherwise.

As to the choice of gift for this coming wedding? While the couple may prefer cash, you are free to add to the other ways you’re helping with the wedding with a gift of your choice, and putting it in a gift bag is a clever and light-hearted way of thinking outside the box.

Shower-Only Invitations

I am getting married next April in Florida, where I live. I am originally from New Mexico, where my maid of honor still lives. She is throwing me a bridal shower in February in my hometown, and we wish to invite many “hometown” folks — friends from school, church and the neighborhood — people I had not planned to invite to the wedding, simply because of size and budgetary restrictions, and also because I believes most of them could not afford to make the trip. On the other hand, there is always the possibility that people would make the trip, and we are already at our maximum invite number.

However, I do want to share in celebration with these old friends, and want them to attend the shower. Is it rude to invite them to the shower, but not to the wedding? Anonymous,

Florida

The technical answer is that people invited to a bridal shower are also invited to the wedding. It is reasonable for guests to suppose that, if they are close enough to the couple to be invited to a shower, they are close enough to be invited to the big event as well. Of course, there are viable exceptions to the rule, like when co-workers of the bride want to throw her a shower, even though they know they are not being invited to her wedding.

Your situation is not as clear-cut, and only you and your maid of honor can decide if a similar exception would work in your case. Since most (maybe all) of your New Mexico friends are not on your wedding guest list, inviting many of them to a shower in your honor could seem like you’re fishing for gifts. After all, the central focus of a shower is to provide the honoree with presents for her new life.

If your maid of honor really does want to throw a party for you, she could skip the shower idea altogether and replace it with a casual get-together that doesn’t call for gifts, like a picnic, barbecue, a brunch or an afternoon tea, and the hostess could even say no gifts, please when issuing the invitations.

This solution may also help with your guest-list situation. Definitely send an invitation to any far-away friends and relatives with whom you have a close relationship. As you mention, they may accept and be willing to make the trip. Send announcements to more casual friends and acquaintances, particularly any friends who attended a party for you. It’s another nice way to include them without imposing any gift obligation.

Peggy Post is a director of the Emily Post Institute and the great-granddaughter-in-law of its namesake. The institute, in Burlington, Vt., maintains and updates the etiquette advice of Emily Post, publishes books by the founders’ heirs and presents seminars.

Submit questions to weddingmanners@nytimes.com, or by mail to The New York Times, Society News Desk, Fourth Floor, 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018. Include daytime and evening telephone numbers so that Ms. Post and Times editors may follow up. Readers can also link to the column on the institute’s Web site, at emilypost.com/wedding.