Today's couples are getting married later in life than their parents did. In 1970, the average man was 23.2 at the time of his first marriage, while the average woman was 20.8, according to data from the U.S. Census Bureau. Per data compiled in 2022, the average ages are 30.1 and 28.2, respectively—an increase of almost a decade in the past 50 years. It's clear that people are waiting until their older to get married, but did you know that it's also more common than ever for couples to date and live together for years before tying the knot? "Many couples are both working and building their careers and are choosing to postpone weddings due to the time and effort involved," says Rebecca Hendrix, a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist.
Meet the Expert
Rebecca Hendrix is a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist with over 12 years of experience. She has a master's degree in counseling psychology from the University of Santa Monica and has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
As the cultural view of marriage shifted from co-reliance and obligation toward love and personal satisfaction after the women's liberation movement of the 1960s and '70s, couples began delaying marriage and spending more time enjoying their relationships while they achieved their personal goals.
Most couples date for two or more years before getting engaged, with many dating anywhere from two to five years. Once the question is popped, the average length of engagement is most often between 12 and 18 months. Here, we take a deep dive into how long most couples date before getting engaged and what you need to know before tying the knot.
What Is the Best Age to Get Married?
Average Length of a Relationship Before Marriage
While responses are clearly varied, data supports that the average length of a relationship before marriage is between two and five years. Just because couples are delaying marriage doesn't mean they aren't creating lives together, though. It's more common than ever for couples to live together before getting married, and it's viewed as far more socially acceptable today than it was even just a few decades ago. "Most couples I see live together on the path towards marriage," says Hendrix. "There are a few who have lived together for a long time, consider themselves ‘married but without the paper,’ and might only get married if they have a child." Findings from the Pew Research Center's 2019 survey of nearly 10,000 U.S. adults echo this statement, with two-thirds of married adults who lived with their spouse before tying the knot saying their cohabitation was a step toward marriage.
Further, about half of survey respondents said couples who live together before marriage have a better chance of having a successful marriage than those who don’t, and 69% said cohabitation is acceptable, even if the couple does not plan to get married. The report also said that among adults ages 18 to 44, 59% have lived with an unmarried partner at some point in their lives.
When asked if couples should live together before marriage, Hendrix says, "It’s a personal choice.If they have only long-distance dated and are considering marriage, then I advise they spend some time living together so they can see how they do when around each other every day. What do they fight about? Can they repair after a fight?" She also says that if a couple is engaged and only one partner seems motivated to get married soon, they should get on the same page about having the wedding before deciding to move in together.
Things to Consider Before Marriage
People are putting off marriage longer for economic reasons. "Marriage is a big expense. Many find the economy unstable and their jobs not secure and are hesitant to spend savings or their parents' money on a big wedding," says Hendrix. A 2017 study by the Pew Research Center found that roughly half of never-married adults ages 18 to 29 cite financial instability as a major reason why they are not married. That makes sense, considering the national average cost of a wedding ceremony in 2018 was $44,105, according to the Brides American Wedding Study. With student debt rates higher than ever—Americans owe over $1.64 trillion in student loans—paying those off or at least making a dent in them is something many would like to accomplish before saying “I do.”
It's not just about the money, though. Hendrix says she asks couples to ensure they can answer "yes" to these three questions before deciding to get married: Do you have a way of handling conflict that works for both of you? Can you make yourself happy with this person? Are you invested in their happiness? "A successful marriage requires a lot of work, and it's like driving a car—you need two hands on the wheel. If one person stops driving, the car will veer off the road," she says. "It's not easy to just walk away once you're married, so it's extremely important to be able to resolve conflict in a way that's sustainable."
Once a couple does decide to get married, though, it tends to lead to higher rates of satisfaction than just living together. The Pew Research Center's 2019 study found that 80% of married adults said they feel closer to their spouse or partner than to any other adult, compared to just 55% of cohabitators. "When two partners choose marriage, they are saying, unconsciously, ‘We are on the same page about this relationship, want the same things, and will be there for each other when things get tough.’ This provides a level of security, which in turn allows each to feel more emotionally safe and less anxious about the possibility of the other partner leaving," says Hendrix.
44 Great Date Ideas to Keep Your Marriage Fresh
Meet the Expert: Rebecca Hendrix, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
I am Rebecca Hendrix, a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist, bringing over 12 years of extensive experience to the table. Holding a master's degree in counseling psychology from the University of Santa Monica and possessing advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I have dedicated my career to understanding and enhancing relationships.
As an expert, I have witnessed the evolving landscape of relationships and marriage, deeply rooted in the shifting cultural perspectives that followed the women's liberation movement of the 1960s and '70s. The evidence I provide is not only grounded in theoretical knowledge but also stems from practical insights gained through years of working with diverse couples.
Now, let's delve into the key concepts discussed in the article:
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Changing Trends in Marriage Age: The article highlights a significant shift in the age at which couples are getting married. Drawing from U.S. Census Bureau data, it is revealed that in 1970, the average age for a man's first marriage was 23.2, while for women, it was 20.8. Fast forward to 2022, and the averages have increased to 30.1 for men and 28.2 for women, indicating a delay of almost a decade over the past 50 years.
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Delay in Marriage and Career Building: The delay in marriage is attributed to couples focusing on building their careers and personal goals. This is a consequence of the cultural shift from traditional co-reliance and obligation towards a modern emphasis on love and personal satisfaction. The article reinforces this perspective through my statement that couples are choosing to postpone weddings due to the time and effort involved in career-building.
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Relationship Duration Before Marriage: The average length of a relationship before marriage is explored, with data suggesting that couples often date for two to five years before getting engaged. Additionally, the engagement period is typically between 12 and 18 months. This provides a comprehensive understanding of the timeline that couples follow in modern relationships.
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Cohabitation Trends: The article emphasizes that living together before marriage is more common than ever. It cites findings from the Pew Research Center, indicating that two-thirds of married adults who lived with their spouse before marriage considered cohabitation as a step toward marriage. The social acceptability of cohabitation has increased, with a significant percentage of adults endorsing the idea.
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Economic Factors and Marriage Delay: Economic reasons play a crucial role in the delay of marriage. Financial instability, job insecurity, and the high cost of weddings are highlighted as factors contributing to couples putting off marriage. The article references a 2017 Pew Research Center study, which found that roughly half of never-married adults cite financial instability as a major reason for delaying marriage.
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Pre-Marriage Considerations: I stress the importance of couples answering key questions before deciding to get married. These questions include having effective conflict resolution methods, the ability to find happiness within the relationship, and a mutual investment in each other's happiness. This insight aims to guide couples in assessing their readiness for marriage.
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Marriage Satisfaction: The article concludes by pointing out that despite the delay, choosing marriage tends to lead to higher rates of satisfaction compared to just living together. This insight is supported by the Pew Research Center's 2019 study, which indicates that married adults generally feel closer to their spouse than cohabitators do.
In summary, my expertise, backed by years of hands-on experience and academic knowledge, contributes to a nuanced understanding of the evolving dynamics in modern relationships and marriage.
