by Chelsi
Living together is a must for all long-term relationships. Knowing how you operate and co-exist in a shared space determines how compatible your lifestyles will be in the long run.
[ ADVERTIsem*nT ]
It's a period of learning for both parties and a chance to evaluate the progress of their relationship. A Redditor definitely learned a lot after two years of living with his girlfriend.
His girlfriend made it clear during the early stages of their relationship that she preferred traditional gender roles. In their case, OP will be the main provider while she handles the upkeep of their home.
OP didn't see any issues with this since he makes $320,000 annually while his girlfriend earns $40,000 a year. They fell into their roles — OP handled 90% of their living expenses while his girlfriend maintained their home.
Two years later, OP's girlfriend started to complain that he doesn't pull his weight around the house. He doesn't cook, do any of the laundry, and barely helps out with the daily cleaning.
OP thought their division of labor was well-established and fair. He reasoned that if he also has to share 50% of the household maintenance, then they should also split their living expenses evenly.
They also had a fight about their future hypothetical children. OP insisted that he wants their kids to be homeschooled if his girlfriend plans on being a stay-at-home mom.
She balked at the idea since she would have to give up a lot of her hobbies if she has to educate their kids
That didn't tally with OP's image of what a stay-at-home mom is responsible for
He thought that stay-at-home moms choose to do to focus on their children
This actually makes sense, if they both work full-time, wouldn't it make more sense if they split the chores evenly?
The answer that makes most sense is for OP to hire a house cleaner since cleaning is clearly a point of tension in their relationship
Hiring a house cleaner wouldn't hurt OP financially and it could actually help with their relationship
The chores that OP mentioned are tasks that only need to be accomplished occasionally
His girlfriend's chores are daily which means they require more of her time and attention
Good on OP for doing maintenance, but he needs to realize that his girlfriend's chores are more time-consuming than his are
Being a stay-at-home mom and homeschooling the children are not mutually exclusive. OP needs to revisit his idea of what a stay-at-home mom is.
To be fair, she did ask for the traditional gender roles during the early stages of their relationship
They need to talk and clarify what they expect from each other moving forward before diving into marriage & kids
Being a stay-at-home mom doesn't mean his girlfriend can't have a life outside of the home. OP's view on this is problematic and misogynistic.
They really need to have a serious conversation and maybe tweak the agreement they originally had if it's no longer working
OP said his girlfriend was the one to insist on the traditional gender roles and everything that comes with it which is why he's surprised with her change of attitude
One cannot dictate what the other should do. If they agree on traditional gender roles, then they need to come to an understanding what that means for each of them because this set-up will fall apart fast if they don't.
They can and should go to couples counselling to help them navigate their relationship
OP posted an update after talking to his girlfriend. In the update we learned that OP barely spends time at home!
OP pointed out that if he does 50% of the chores, he will be cleaning up after his girlfriend and her two dogs. His girlfriend won't compromise on the cleaning problem despite OP's logic.
They decided on hiring a maid. The alcohol loosened his girlfriend's tongue and she said, for the first time, that she wanted OP to pay off her $15k credit card debt.
That's when OP realized that their relationship didn't add any value to his life. He was content living frugally before he met her.
He even got her a job at his company so she could earn $40k while only working for 25 hours a week. She was getting more out of their relationship than OP.
OP took time off work the following day and broke up with his girlfriend. She tried to compromise with him then, but OP didn't change his mind. He is now waiting for her to collect her things.
How much mess does she and her two dogs make in a day to require additional help from OP?
She actually had to put in the effort to spend money to not get out of debt. They have been living together for two years with her making $40k while barely paying for anything.
It's difficult not to judge her motivation for dating OP. Call spade a spade, she was using OP for his money.
She was good at it, too. It took OP two years and accidental confession from her to realize her game.
I initially thought OP was just misogynistic and they just needed to rework their division of labor
It's admirable that OP enforced his boundaries once he realized he was being played
OP definitely had questionable expectations as to what a stay-at-home mom should do
However, that original agreement was his ex's idea and OP operated within that
That's why she tried to come up with a compromise when OP broke up with her. She realized too late that she fumbled her (money) bag.
To think that OP almost had children with her. It would have been more difficult to escape her control.
It ought to tell you something when you realize you are happier when you are single than you are in a relationship
Literally, OP's life will now be easier without his girlfriend
She overreached when she accidentally let it slip that she expected him to pay off her credit card debt. She was already on shaky ground after asking him to divide their chores and still handle 90% of their expenses.
If she didn't say that, she would have continued to manipulate him until she found a richer target. It was an expensive lesson for OP, but I'm sure he can write it off as a business expense.
