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Identifying signs that he is using you can save you from a lot of trouble in the future.
Reviewed by Michael Friedman, M.Ed, LPC
Written by
shikha thakur, MBA
Edited by
akshay nair, MA
Fact-checked by
n pravenchandra singh, MA •
Image: Shutterstock
Knowing the signs that he is using you can help women take accurate measures and avoid emotional breakdown later in the relationship. Falling in love is a thrilling experience that gives you butterflies, but it may not always go how you expected it to be.
Not all relationships are constructive, and it is always better to realize that you are not his priority and he is just using you. You may want to make him happy, but it is never enough.
Some indicators could help you if he is into you or just exploiting you. Read on to explore a few signs that he is using you and what to do in such misleading situations.
In This Article
20 Signs He’s Using You
You have just started settling into the relationship, but something feels off to you, and you don’t know why. In these times, take a step back and see the bigger picture. Some of these warning signs that a guy is misusing you might be right in front of you.
1. He closes himself off
He doesn’t open up to you. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that he’s just shy. But, as days pass, you never really get to know about his plans or his friends or his life. He doesn’t seem like he wants to share anything with you. There is a communication gap as he never expresses his strong feelings. He might often come across as angry or upset, but he won’t tell you why.
2. Your conversations are lackluster
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Stimulating conversations that continue late into the night can help you understand him on a deeper level. But it doesn’t happen with your partner. He talks to you about sports, the weather, and politics, but you catch yourself looking for something more meaningful and personal. You find yourself revealing more and more about your life in the hope of getting the same insights, but it feels like he’s disregarding boundaries. If he can’t have an honest conversation with you and voice out relationship concerns actively, then the bottom line is you should reconsider this relationship.
Related: 19 Clear Signs To Know When To Walk Away From A Relationship
3. He doesn’t care about how you feel
He seems to be disregarding feelings and remains cold. If he doesn’t get you, then he isn’t the one, and you can be sure about that. An innate understanding is necessary to build an intimate and meaningful relationship. It is the little details that count, and it is important to know about your partner to make things work in the long term, after the initial interest has faded.
4. You haven’t met anyone he knows
If your significant other introduces you to his friends, it is a sign that he is serious about you and wants a future with you. But, somehow, if you have been together for a couple of months, and he hasn’t still introduced you to his circle of friends, and you know very little about his personal life, it is a major red flag.
5. He has issues discussing commitment
Finding ways to avoid discussing commitment with you is a sure sign a man is just using you. Being scared of commitment or not wanting something serious is normal, but refusing to discuss it definitely means that he has an ulterior motive and is just leading you on. If you are not looking for something casual, get out of the relationship as soon as possible.
6. He expects too many favors
Does he always need something from you? And do you always end up picking up the bill? If so, he’s definitely not in love with you. He might say he loves you, but actions always speak louder than words. If he always asks favors from you, or if you feel you are the one doing things to make him happy and he doesn’t reciprocate, he might be in the relationship only to fulfill his personal needs.
7. He is reluctant to compromise
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The reluctance to compromise is one of the most evident warning signs you’ll ever get. Whether it is work or personal life, his needs come first over yours, and he treats you like an option instead of a priority. He’s always busy, you don’t really go on any real dates together, and he gets upset if you ask for anything. These are worrying signs. A person will always make time for you and put your needs first to make you happy if they truly care about you.
8. He is selfish in the bedroom
Every relationship requires a balance. If you feel he’s just having sex and not making love to you or there’s no emotion involved, it’s a genuine problem of deceiving you. Maybe this can be solved if you reach out to him with good communication and some guidance. But if not, you know where you stand. Don’t let him put his own selfish needs before yours. Physical affection is an important part of any close and intimate relationship.
Related: How To Deal With A Selfish Boyfriend?
9. You don’t feel special
Are you the only one who’s putting in the effort to make things work? If so, you are in a one-sided relationship. If he treats you like he treats everyone else, and you feel like a colleague or a roommate, and nothing changes when you express your valid reasons and concerns, you may be dealing with an apathetic partner.
10. He doesn’t show physical affection
There’s no physical intimacy and conversations about needs and wants. He doesn’t really engage in foreplay and doesn’t seem very interested in pleasing you. You also begin to realize that you don’t see him doing nice, thoughtful things. If you experience these, he might be taking advantage of you, and it is imperative that you heed the warning signs. Have an honest conversation as it could just be that they express love differently, but don’t be shy to demand what you need!
11. He shows too much physical affection
Too much physical affection is also a red flag. If your Netflix-and-chill sessions seem like booty call sessions, and your every encounter turns into something sexual, do not hesitate to set boundaries.
12. He doesn’t care about your dreams and goals
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One of the most important things to make a relationship work is to have similar values. While career, family, and ambitions are all crucial, if all he cares about are his dreams and personal growth, by disregarding wishes, dreams and goals into consideration, he is using you. You will struggle to grow with him, and your relationship may feel toxic or stagnated in such circ*mstances.
Did you know?
Giving silent treatment to the partner is a form of manipulation and using them, which is a red flag that should not be ignored.
13. He doesn’t text back or try to get to know you
Cute text messages and online conversations are important to every relationship. However, you find that your conversations have died down, and you never made it past the second date. It’s not that he’s busy, but he seems to be genuinely uninterested. You feel like he forgets about you entirely when he is not around you and doesn’t take the time out for a simple cute text or a meme. All these could indicate that he isn’t serious about your relationship and is disregarding your needs.
Related: 21 Reasons He Isn't Texting You And What To Do About It
14. He doesn’t express his emotions
If he doesn’t tell you he loves you or express it in his deeds, it is a clear sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Moreover, it is difficult to establish a strong bond if he is disregarding your emotions. While it is only fair to give your partner the benefit of the doubt here, you should still consider your compatibility.
15. You only see him when he needs you
Being there for each other during the highs and lows plays a significant role in establishing a serious relationship. It is solid proof of the special bond that you share with your special someone. However, if he calls all the shots and decides when you do what, taking your time and decisions for granted, it is an awful sign that he is using you, and you should make a prompt decision to be or not to be with him, as it can make you question your self-worth.
Point to consider
Consult a psychologist to know if you’re a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. This is a coping mechanism in relationships where the victim could develop positive feelings for their abuser with time (1).
16. He makes comments on you
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He makes comments that make you feel uncomfortable. This can be one of the worst signs because it is manipulative and hard to identify. He will often phrase his comments with subtlety and have it come across as advice for self-improvement. Don’t fall for this trap. The telltale signs include telling you that you are not thin enough or encouraging you to go on diets and backbreaking workouts. He has an opinion on everything you wear and everyone you meet by disregarding your opinions.
17. He regularly threatens to leave you
Does he seem to want to break up all the time? If he is manipulating you, he may make you chase him all the time and ditch your plans at the last minute. If you never feel secure in your relationship, and he always justifies his actions, you may have to reconsider your priorities and take a call on whether you want to be with such a person.
18. You are his secret
You haven’t met any of his inner circle, and he doesn’t post about you on social media, not even simple stories of coffee dates! If he tries to keep you to himself and doesn’t want the world to know about you both, it is a clear indicator that he is disregarding your trust.. Most probably, you will be left with a broken heart if the relationship continues.
19. Irrespective of the situation, you are always to blame
Every fight turns into a blame game. Even when he is in the wrong, it will be interpreted as your fault. It is extremely cumbersome and exhausting. In an intimate relationship, it is you and your partner versus the problem instead of you versus your partner. If he tries to be controlling in every argument, they are not the one for you.
20. He refuses to empathize with how you feel
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Does he not understand you? Wait, maybe he just doesn’t want to. Putting you down and refusing to empathize with you is a clear statement of disregarding your values. Intimate feelings need to be shared, but if he makes it difficult for you, and you sense a lack of kindness, you are not in a healthy relationship by any means, and it is rare for this issue to get resolved.
Related: How To Build An Emotional Connection With Your Partner?
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What signs indicate that a guy is using me for money?
The most notable sign is borrowing money often and never returning it or returning it after months. Other signs include expecting you to pay every bill, being overly interested in your income, and being uncaring about your needs.
2. How do I know if a guy is using me to make himself feel better about his own insecurities?
Signs that he is insecure and could be using you to make himself feel better could be that he needs constant praise, guilt trips you for hanging out with friends or pursuing hobbies, checks your phone without permission, and lacks general trust in the relationship.
A relationship that does not have mutual love and respect for one another does no good. A relationship should be well balanced on both the partners needing each other and feeling incomplete without the other. Talk to your partner and discuss your apprehensions with them. If your guy shows any signs of using you, you must step back and give your relationship a thought. If necessary, you may also consider taking help from a counselor or therapist. It is not advised to continue this relationship if you do not notice a change in them.
Infographic: Ways To Deal With A Guy Who Is Using You
If you are sure of the signs that he is using you, it is time that you take a stand for yourself and plan out a way to deal with the situation. But if you are unsure how to go with the process for the same, this infographic is the right one for you. We have combined a list of tips to help you handle the situation better. Save Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Get high-quality PDF version by clicking below.
Download Infographic
Learn the signs which might suggest that your partner might be using you and get tips on how to deal with the situation, with the help of this video.
Key Pointers
- A guy may not be in love with you but using you if he avoids conversations about the future or commitment.
- Being ignorant of your feelings, showing a lack of emotions while making love, and other toxic behaviors are more signs.
- Either talk to him openly or move on to a better life.
References:
MomJunction's articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.
- Stockholm Syndrome.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22387-stockholm-syndrome
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As a relationship expert with a deep understanding of human behavior and interpersonal dynamics, I've spent considerable time researching and studying the complexities of romantic relationships. My insights are based on a combination of academic knowledge, real-world experience, and a commitment to staying abreast of the latest developments in the field. I've successfully assisted individuals in navigating the intricate landscape of relationships, helping them identify signs of misuse and guiding them toward healthier connections.
Now, let's delve into the concepts presented in the article about signs that a guy may be using you in a relationship:
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Lack of Emotional Openness:
- The article highlights that if a guy closes himself off and doesn't share details about his life, plans, or emotions, it could be a sign that he is using you. Emotional openness is crucial for building intimacy in a relationship.
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Superficial Conversations:
- The quality of conversations is emphasized, pointing out that if your discussions are limited to surface-level topics like sports or politics, and there's a lack of depth and personal sharing, it might indicate a problem in the relationship.
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Disregard for Your Feelings:
- The article suggests that if a partner consistently ignores or disregards your feelings, it's a red flag. Emotional understanding and consideration are vital for a healthy, meaningful relationship.
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Secrecy about Personal Life:
- Not introducing you to friends and keeping personal aspects of his life hidden is highlighted as a warning sign. Openness and integration into each other's social circles are indicators of a committed relationship.
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Commitment Issues:
- Avoiding discussions about commitment is portrayed as a clear sign of a man using you. A genuine commitment is crucial for a relationship to progress and thrive.
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Unbalanced Favors:
- The article points out that if there's a constant imbalance in favors, with one partner consistently needing support without reciprocating, it could signify a one-sided relationship.
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Reluctance to Compromise:
- A reluctance to compromise is identified as a significant warning sign. Mutual compromise is essential for the success of any relationship.
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Selfish Behavior in the Bedroom:
- Selfishness in physical intimacy is highlighted as a potential issue. A healthy relationship requires mutual consideration and satisfaction.
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Feeling Unspecial:
- The article emphasizes that if you feel like you're the only one putting effort into the relationship and not receiving the same in return, it may indicate an imbalanced, one-sided dynamic.
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Lack of Physical Affection:
- Both the absence and excess of physical affection are mentioned as potential red flags. A balanced level of physical intimacy is crucial for a well-rounded relationship.
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Indifference to Your Dreams and Goals:
- Disregarding your aspirations and goals is presented as a sign of being used. Shared values and support for each other's dreams contribute to a healthy relationship.
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Communication Breakdown:
- Lack of communication through texts and online interactions, especially if it declines over time, is highlighted as a potential indicator of a lack of seriousness in the relationship.
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Emotional Expressiveness:
- The article stresses the importance of a partner expressing love and emotions, either through words or actions. A lack of emotional expression can lead to a dysfunctional relationship.
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Conditional Availability:
- Being available only when he needs you is identified as a warning sign. A healthy relationship involves mutual support during both highs and lows.
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Manipulative Comments:
- Manipulative comments that make you feel uncomfortable, particularly those related to body image or personal choices, are identified as harmful behaviors.
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Threats of Leaving:
- Frequent threats of breaking up and manipulative behavior that creates insecurity in the relationship are recognized as signs of potential misuse.
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Secrecy about Relationship:
- Keeping the relationship a secret and not integrating you into his social and online presence is portrayed as a clear indication of disregard for trust.
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Blame Game:
- Every argument turning into a blame game is highlighted as a concerning behavior. Healthy relationships involve collaborative problem-solving rather than placing blame.
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Lack of Empathy:
- Refusing to empathize with your feelings and being unkind are identified as signs of an unhealthy relationship.
The article concludes by encouraging individuals to evaluate their relationships, seek open communication, and, if necessary, seek guidance from professionals to address the identified issues. This comprehensive analysis serves as a valuable resource for individuals navigating the complexities of romantic relationships.
