Dear Harriette: My best friend’s mother recently passed away. Should I send her a personal note or a general card to the entire family? Would it be appropriate for my friends and me to take up a collection and give money to the family to help it pay for the funeral? Or would that be overstepping our boundaries? – Susan, Denver
Dear Susan: Because this is your best friend, think about her carefully and how best to support her. Definitely write to her. In the note, express your sorrow for her mother’s passing and share a story about a wonderful memory you have about her mom. It would be great for you and your friends to send another note to her family. Let her family members know how much you, too, will miss their mom and how much you care about them.
In terms of giving money, there are two schools of thought. It was once common for close friends and family members to give money to a family when someone died. This practice existed in part because handling all the details of death can be expensive, and loved ones often contributed to defray the cost. I think it’s perfectly fine to do so today, if you are discreet. Yet some experts consider it unseemly to give money unless a charity has been named in lieu of flowers or something similar, or if the family has indicated a need for financial support. For more on funeral etiquette, go to www.freitagfuneralhome.com/publications/funeraletiquette.htm.
Dear Harriette: I have been dating someone for two months now, and things are going well. We are still “new,” still discovering things about each other, but there is one thing I’ve noticed about him. When he eats, he chews with his mouth open, and it is starting to drive me crazy. I don’t know the proper way to bring this to his attention without just coming right out and saying it. I obviously don’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him. I was wondering if you could share your “polite” advice on how to tell him. Should I just come right out and say it? – Casey, Baton Rouge, La.
Dear Casey: Chances are your guy doesn’t know he has poor eating habits. If you want him to notice and consider changing, you definitely have to tell him. You will need to be direct, but also do your best to avoid speaking in judgment. You could start with humor. Next time you are eating together and you notice him showing you his food, say something right then and there.
If his issue extends beyond talking and eating, and he is always chewing with his mouth open, he could actually have a breathing problem. Point out to him that he regularly eats with his mouth open, which is rude. Ask him to try closing his mouth while chewing. If he can’t do it, he may need to see an ear, nose and throat specialist.
Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is the new creative director of Ebony magazine. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o United Feature Syndicate, 200 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10016.
Copyright 2007, Harriette Cole.Distributed by United Feature Syndicate Inc.
