ERP 282: How To Use The 6th Love Language In Your Relationship – Part 2 (2024)

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Contrary to the other five, the love language of personal space isn’t expressed in an active manner, but rather it’s being intentional, supportive, and respectful with one another. It gives someone permission to spend time reflecting, contemplating, and doing other inner processes.

While it’s romantic to have connection and engagement in a relationship, it’s also true that couples who are deeply committed in their relationship need space and time apart. However, putting this idea into practice brings up fear and insecurity sometimes.

Today’s episode is the continuation of How to Use the 6th Love Language in Your Relationship, discussing what hinders a couple’s ability to give and/or receive space and solitude, what expectations to consider in order to devise a compromise acceptable to both sides, how to assess our need for space, and finally, how to practice the 6th love language in your relationship in conscious and proactive ways.

In this Episode

07:40 The gift of personal space and solitude is presumed by many as the 6th love language. This act of love and care is particularly helpful to introverts, highly-sensitive, and artistic people.

09:48 Practicing this love language helps empaths achieve clarity on things they’ve been contemplating about. This is supported by a research study on liminal space where some of the best inventions, equations, and ideas are said to be coming from.

13:55 Modern living as well as changes in our relationship norms and stereotypical roles make it difficult for us to get a true sense of space. This could especially be true for people who are living in close quarters, people sheltered in place during the time of the pandemic, and individuals who can hardly differentiate time for self-care, romance, work, and domestic responsibility.

18:26 Inquiring about your partner’s expectations is a helpful starting place to begin the conversation. From here, you can start to work together to achieve a win-win solution. One method is to take into account our family background, what we’re used to, and how our sense of culture was negotiating time and space.

20:06 Reflecting on the following areas can also help inform your expectations in partnership: Do you depend on your partner to fulfill many of your needs? How are you with self-care? Are you honest about your needs? Do you take comfort in being alone?

24:22 When inquiring about your partner’s expectations, you may also want to consider the levels of attention, engagement, and communication that each of you is willing to give and/or receive.

28:28 A guide to knowing our need for space

32:10 The gift of space and distance are shown in various forms, for example: being supportive of your partner’s endeavor, allowing your partner to enjoy their moments with friends, encouraging them to pursue their commitments, and being respectful with their hobbies

38:20 How to honor the 6th love language in your relationship

Your Check List of Actions to Take

• Recognize the signs that may indicate your need for space. You’ll know it when you can truly enjoy most of your preferred activities by yourself.
• Encourage your partner to take time for self-care. Also inform when you need it; explain how this would benefit you and your relationship’s well-being.
• Listen to your partner’s spoken and body language. You can also do the necessary adjustments by talking at a pace that’s easy for your partner to match.
• Give physical space by dedicating a separate area to loosen up from something that makes you feel stressed or upset.
• Feel the bond or loving connection with your partner without having to say or do something. You’ll perceive it when you have the sense of trust and relaxation, knowing you love each other.

Mentioned

Life on Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything by Victor J Strecher (*Amazon Link)

A Guide to Speaking the 6th Love Language article by Pedram Shojai

ERP 281: How To Use The 6th Love Language In Your Relationship – Part 1

ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship

ERP 238: How To Find Your Emotional Balance In Relationship

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About Today’s Show

Hi! Thank you for joining the Empowered Relationship Podcast. I’m your host, Dr. Jessica Higgins, licensed psychologist, and relationship coach. Today’s episode is a part two. Episode 282: How to Use the 6th Love Language in Your Relationship.

If you missed part one, I want to encourage you to check that out before listening to today’s episode. And again, you can find all of the episodes on your podcast player. That could be Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play. Or you can also visit DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on “podcast” there in that top navigation bar, and you will have access to all of the episodes. And again, today’s episode is #282. Part one is #281.

Before we get started on today’s topic, I want to invite you to pause with me and perhaps to take a deep breath in. Then a deep breath out. I often do this to set the tone and the intention of the Empowered Relationship Podcast. I invite you to set your own personal intention.

Even with one simple breath, we might find that we’re able to turn inwards a little bit more. We feel our muscles relax a little bit. And perhaps we feel our nervous system calm, just even a subtle bit. And all of these things are so helpful as we contemplate relationships because as we come into greater contact with our experience, we’re that much more conscious and aware and can show up to relate to another.

And so often, the work that I talk about here on the Empowered Relationship Podcast supports you in navigating the terrain of long-lasting intimacy. We look at intimacy and relationship. It’s often this process of revealing what’s on the inside in a way that is safe so our partner can see us and hopefully respond to us, as well as we can create that safety for our significant other to reveal their inside parts and that we can hopefully respond to them.

And as we have this mutual, reciprocal process of responding and deepening our understanding of one another, we cultivate this bonding. And even perhaps we heal or repair areas where we’ve gotten off track, or we’ve had misunderstandings or assumptions or even felt threatened.

And perhaps again, that might hook previous pain that we’ve known in our past. And that insecurity and vulnerability are alive in us. It might not happen in our relationship, but we might feel the nervous system echo of previous pain.

Our nervous system is designed to protect us. So, we will feel that. And that’s normal if we’ve known pain, or loss, or trauma. And so, in this way, the relationship can be a teacher. It can be showing us, revealing us our wounded, tender, sensitive spots in the interest of healing and growth as we create that safety and that bonding with another that we can perhaps do some of that work that we weren’t able to do in the past that wasn’t safe enough to do in the past.

And so, really, what we’re talking about on this show is supporting, deepening, and strengthening an intimate bond. And I get that there are ebbs and flows of life and stressors that make that difficult. Also, whatever is getting activated in either person. There’s a lot to negotiate. There are a lot of moving parts. And so, there can be a complexity to this.

There can be fundamental principles that can be simplified that are echoed over and over and over again in this podcast that we can turn towards as guidance. My intention for this show is for you to feel supported and feel more equipped to navigate relationships to feel more successful.

One of the beautiful things is that along this journey of co-creating with your significant other a secure, authentic, enriching relationship, we also grow ourselves that we might feel and experience more wholeness, more inner sense of well-being.

And again, both of these things, not only in ourselves and in our relationships, have a ripple effect that we get to show up more elevated, more evolved in any facet of our life. That leads to great benefits.

If you would like access to today’s show notes, again, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com. Click on “podcast” there in the top navigation bar, and you’ll see all of the episodes. Again, today’s episode is #282: How to Use The 6th Love Language in Your Relationship – Part two.

I also want to read a recent rating and review. This comes from Maddie. She’s from the US. It’s a five-star review. It’s titled, “Great, straightforward podcast that teaches a lot.” Maddie writes:

“I love this podcast as someone who has a psychology degree but also just as a person who has relationship problems that are looking for advice/ways to rephrase my feelings. It’s hard to find podcasts that don’t have too much banter/tangents. So, I love this podcast because it dissects the topics that are titled in the podcast. This podcast discusses all the different varieties and approaches to a problem that helps in problem-solving. It can show you how the same problem might present to different perspectives and all different ways to approach. Easily, one of my favorite psychology podcasts because it is exactly what you get without any monotony.”

Maddie, thank you so much for taking a moment out of your day to give us a rating and review. I love hearing from you. I appreciate your input and your feedback. It means so much to me. Thank you.

Let’s get started in today’s episode. Again, we are continuing the conversation of using the 6th love language. Now again, this is a proposed love language. People have been writing about it and talking about it. However, this is not necessarily categorized with the five love languages developed by Gary Chapman.

This 6th love language is proposed. There are a few other hypotheses around what a 6th love language might be, but the one we’re talking about is the idea of offering space and distance to your partner in a way that helps support their well-being and a way to love them. It’s not an active “This is something that I am adding to.” It’s more of something I’m sensitive to. So, it’s not something we’re active in, but we’re more considerate of.

As I mentioned in Episode #281, we’re not going to be strong in every love language. We’re going to have, typically, a primary love language and possibly a second or a third, but we’re not going to be strong in all five nor strong in all six.

So, this 6th love language might even be more relevant to people that are more introverted, perhaps more highly sensitive, or more artistic and creative and really value that time in reflection/contemplation.

This time and space allow for more inner processes. Having this time and space can also be really helpful for people that are empathetic or might even identify as an empath where they feel people’s emotions because this time and space allow for that inner process of being able to untangle or be able to know what they are versus what they pick up on.

I can say that for myself when I am in the practice of giving myself, taking more time for this space and distance from my significant other, I noticed that I feel way more in touch with what feels like intuition and hits on things. And where I get clarity on things that I’ve been stewing about or contemplating in my mind on some level, I might not even be fully aware of it.

It’s interesting. My husband and I were listening to a book entitled Life on Purpose. I think a client recommended this. It’s by Victor J. Strecher, I believe. Later in the book, he was talking about, I believe, sleep and this liminal space between awake and asleep, and that scientists and inventors like really famous people would have these different tactics to download meaning in this liminal space. They would get ideas, and they would write them down. They would deliberately try to activate this state so that they could access information or ideas or solutions to problems they were trying to crack or figure out.

One of the examples mentioned, I believe, was a very famous inventor or scientist. I feel bad that I don’t remember the name. I think I was listening to this part when we were in the car on a road trip, so I may have been driving and wasn’t fully hundred percent paying attention. Nonetheless, I might not be able to do this quite justice, but the point was that this person would try to activate this liminal space, and would sit in a chair, have paper and a writing utensil next to him, and then he would put a ball in his hand, and he would try to fall asleep. And then, as soon as he would fall asleep, his hand would relax, and the ball would drop. It would make the sound and wake him up. And then he would write down everything that was going on that he could remember in his kind of that liminal space. Some of his best inventions and equations, and ideas would come from this space.

This was a really common experience. I know that when I’m thinking about something, or I’m not quite sure what to do, I often will get some insight in the shower. People are always like, “Oh, that’s strange. You’re in the shower.” But it’s not.

I think you guys have heard me mention this if you’ve listened to the show for a long time, that it’s really about the warm water and that relaxation and getting into the body, and that the brain is still working on it on some level. But when we get that space and that distance, sometimes we’ll get ideas. Or again, we’ll get an insight or solution. It will come to us.

And so, all of that to say that this time and space, if we’re always filling our schedule, we might not have access to this inner process. And when we look at partnership, if we’re always looking at connecting and being engaged and talking and cuddling and being close while all of those things are really beautiful, when we look at a long-term sustained relationship, we want to support the health and well-being of one another.

I’d like to talk about where this can get difficult in a relationship, where we might come into a relationship as it relates to space and distance with quite a few expectations that maybe we haven’t really examined. And then, a little bit about the gift of space and also how we might be able to support space and distance and what it could look like to be in the practice of this 6th love language.

It feels important to mention that getting this time and space might be difficult, especially when we look at modern living. As I mentioned just a moment ago, our tendency, especially in Western cultures, is to schedule, have a pretty heavy busy schedule. Whether or not that’s involved in social engagements, family engagements, domestic life, work, and are on physical health and recreation and to have this time and space to really contemplate or reflect or have this more idle time that gives for this inner processing, I think is less common these days. Some things even make that more challenging as we look at modern life.

I think a lot of people are living in closer quarters. Especially if you live in more urban or city areas where high-density living has become more of the norm, making it very difficult to get a true sense of space. Also, our relationship norms and stereotypical roles are changing where perhaps both people are away at work, where in previous generations, again, as we’re talking about Western cultures, there might have been one person that was gone doing work out in the world, and the other one was doing more of the domestic responsibilities.

Not only that, but we’re also in a time where technology and working remote have become also more common. So, where people would get distance and being able to leave the home, have work outside of the home. A lot of that is happening under one roof, where you have two people living together and perhaps both of them working remote. That’s a lot of time together in trying to utilize that close quarter space for many different endeavors. It can be difficult to transition to self-time, self-care time, couple time, work time, domestic responsibility time. Kind of all just combines and bleeds together.

Then, you add in what we’ve been experiencing with the pandemic, where in 2020, many people were sheltering in place, which resulted in unprecedented levels of physical proximity. And this could even have highlighted the neglected need for personal space. It might be something that couples don’t talk about explicitly, but they would kind of steal. Like, just find time to get it in different areas where they could make it happen. Well, the pandemic and sheltering in place made that impossible.

Or perhaps having to negotiate the pandemic highlighted this where perhaps, again, it wasn’t explicit that people have different needs for this personal space. And I can tell you, my husband and I have been negotiating this. My husband is sensitive to sound. He’s been working from home, where he used to leave the house to work, where I work from home. I have a home office. It’s been something for us to really negotiate not only how he can get time and space for his work but also how we’re giving each other time for this personal space.

To be honest, when I look at our flow, I think on occasion, we’ll be really explicit about wanting some alone time, but I think more often than not, we’re reading each other’s cues, and we’re trying to give each other that space. And where one of us will go for a walk, or we’ll leave each other alone, or we’ll just have something that requires us to be outside of the home. And I’ll tell you. When my husband has things that he needs to take care of, and I’m not working, I luxuriate in the time to just be. I love it, especially when it’s just for a couple of hours because I do really enjoy being with my husband.

Okay. Let’s get into expectations because I think this really does play a role in how accessing time and space or the norm around time and space and relationship gets negotiated. It can be important to look at our family background and what we’re used to, how our family of origin or our sense of culture was negotiating time and space. This can be really apparent in how couples handle extended family time. Whether or not it’s traveling with extended family or whether or not it’s visiting with extended family.

When I worked with couples, it’s really clear to me that the norm around space and downtime, or conversely, the amount of full-on engagement time, can really vary where some families are just all in. They have like an itinerary, and they’re all together all the time. And super, like I said, engaged and active with one another. Whereas in other families, there’s a lot of built-in downtime time and permission to go out on your own somewhere else and do an excursion and not always do the same thing. There’s a lot of permission in space, like I said, to do what feels good. And so, this might be important to look at around what we’re familiar with that might inform our expectations around what it means to be in a partnership.

Also, our expectations around our partner.

I had a friend recently just really talking about this. She’s like, “It’s not a new concept, but I really appreciate being reminded of it. I was watching a YouTube video and really just reiterating how in previous times we had a sense of a village, or we had many people to get support from or to feel resourced in. Now, it can be so easy to isolate with your significant other and expect them to fulfill everything.” And she was like, “We can’t do that.” She’s like, “I can’t have my husband be everything for me. So that’s why I really work hard at cultivating my friendships and maintaining them.”

Another thing around expectations can be how we are with self-care. I think this is becoming more of a topic of conversation. I think in part just because we are evolving our understanding as it relates to wellness, and our psychology, and all of those things. And also, the pandemic has really made this front and center of a topic around mental health and our well-being. And so, having self-care is incredibly important. What we tell ourselves is okay. What we tell ourselves is not okay.

Recently, I was working with a client who has been actively working with some of these practices and principles, and really getting to know her experience. She had to go to the bathroom in the middle of session. She was like, “Excuse me. I really need to go the bathroom.” I was like, “Great. I’ll hang tight.” And so she went to the bathroom, she came back, she’s like, “I would have never done that in the past.” She would have just held it and be really uncomfortable. She would have told herself it wasn’t okay.

And in a moment, I’m going to talk about how to know our need for space. But before we do that, I want to just go a little bit more here on expectations.

Gaining comfort. When we are in relationship, it can be difficult to really get this sense of true space because most of us don’t truly relax unless we are completely alone. This is not having anyone else to worry about. I can tell you it took years for me to feel totally relaxed enough to have a sense of alone time with my husband around or in the house. It’s this sense of letting my guard down completely as if I was alone feeling completely relaxed, not feeling any pressure, or having to respond or attend or be engaged with him. And again, I love all of those things. And we’re talking about this time for self.

One of the things that I enjoy doing is just sitting in contemplation, whether or not it’s part daydreaming, part thinking through something or just enjoying the present moment and watching the trees or watching the clouds go by.

I remember many years ago, my husband walked by and he looked at me and kind of turned his head a little. He was like, “What are you doing?” Because it looked like I was just sitting there staring off into space. I was like, “I’m just thinking. I just like to have time to just think.”

Another thing that can really be involved here in the expectations is a concern about insecurities or fears getting a vote, whether or not we’re the person asking for space or we’re the one on the receiving end.

Often there’s a close association that if we love someone, we’re going to want to be engaged, be actively participating, and be giving attention to our significant other. I’ve even had clients who when they need this time and space, question, is there something wrong with me? Is that bad? Or do I not care about them as much as I know I do? It really causes a sense of doubt or worry, or the person that’s on the receiving end can interpret that need for space as, “Oh, maybe you don’t care as much as I thought you did, or you’re not as committed, or you don’t really want to be around me or love me that much.

These are all the fears when in actuality, the person that’s taking this space might be more committed or more in love. It doesn’t have perhaps anything to do with the level of commitment or the level of care or love. If anything, the person that’s able to get that time and space, they’re going to come back with that much more capacity to be engaged and involved and active in participating in relationship.

The last comment I want to make here on expectations is about the level of communication. Some people really enjoy a lot of texting or touching base throughout the day. Whereas other people need a little bit more of that time and space, perhaps to focus or to be involved in their endeavor or be at work.

For example, for me, I’m often in session. I have my phone on airplane mode. I’m not available. I’m grateful that my husband and I have a way that we stay really bonded and connected. But we don’t have a tremendous amount of contact throughout the day. Maybe we’ll text one or two times but really, I’m not available to be going back and forth throughout the day.

I’m really grateful that my husband doesn’t take that as my not wanting to be close or that I’m not committed or don’t love him. So, all of these things that can be important to reflect on and have some inquiry around to get clear around how we negotiate this sense of space and this respect for one another around engagement and in closeness.

When I was talking about self-care, I mentioned that I had a little bit of a sidebar around how to know our need for space. Before I talk about that, I just want to say I have two podcasts that I will put on today’s show notes around the conflicting need. This really goes into much more depth around our need and relationship for togetherness and our need in relationship for separateness and how they’re both really important.

The idea here is working towards interdependence, and also the ability to differentiate from our significant other. That is feel ourselves in relationship rather than being so closely together that we can’t even feel ourselves. That’s where we can get into what’s called either codependency or enmeshment or being gridlocked and that we can’t really say what we want or what we need for fear of how our partner might respond to us. That can get really difficult. So, I’ll put those two episodes on today’s show notes.

Knowing our need for space. Now, this might be if you’re listening and you’re resonating with, “Oh, yeah. Having more time and space. I can tell that that resonates. And I don’t do the best job of creating time for that.” Or perhaps even before listening to this episode you were like, “I know this is important and I don’t know how to get it.”

There’s an article that I found. This was a while back. I thought that there were some good prompts. It’s called A Guide to Speaking the 6th Love Language. It’s written by Pedram Shojai. He is providing some good things to just consider. I’ll kind of read this little excerpt here.

He writes, “So, how do you know when you’re not spending enough time by yourself? How do you know when to say something to your partner and what to say?” And then, he gives a couple of things to think about.

“What did you enjoy doing before your relationship when you still lived alone or woke up by yourself on a Saturday?” Now, if you’ve been in relationship for many, many years, this might be difficult and maybe not as relevant. But perhaps let’s just even imagine that your partner went on vacation for a really long time. And you’re like, “Oh, I have all this time. What do I want to do?”

And that might be even a really foreign question. But just even staying with the curious nature might give you some indication. It might not be like, “Oh, here’s exactly what I know I want to do.” But just staying curious and staying with it, you might get some responses.

He also writes, “How much do you enjoy activities that your partner enjoys? How much do they enjoy activities that you enjoy? How much does that ratio impact your respective enjoyment of your preferred activities?”

So essentially, what I think he’s saying here is, how much do you lean towards accommodating your partner? How much do they lean towards accommodating you? And also, where do you see a space in your life that doesn’t have to be communal? That’s where it’s just for you.

Again, this is where I think people have enjoyed the playful idea of like a she shed or a man cave, and really just having that devoted time that’s claimed. And really, just personally for you. Personally for you.

He also writes, “Maybe you don’t want anyone in the kitchen while you’re cooking dinner. And that’s your time. Your time to listen to music, catch up on podcasts, or hum quietly to yourself. Or maybe you need a weekend away by yourself every now and again. Maybe you both do.

Or maybe you love your partner desperately but miss having the whole bed to yourself. Maybe every few weeks you sleep in a guest bedroom. Or maybe you decide not to go to the same gym anymore because you’re better focused when you’re by yourself.

These are a couple of examples. And again, I’ll put the link to that article titled, A Guide to Speaking the 6th Love Language. You can check that out. I’ll put that on today’s show notes. And really again, the idea here is caring for yourself and encouraging or letting your partner take care of himself.

The gift of this love language of space and distance. It’s interesting. Since I have had this topic in mind for a podcast episode, I often hear clients talk and it will ring a bell if it’s related to a topic or sometimes even when somebody brings something up and I feel like it’s a good topic for the podcast, I’ll write a note down.

Several weeks ago, I was working with a client and he shared a story about a friend of his that I felt fit to this point precisely. He said, many years ago, he was on a mountaineering trip abroad. We’re going to just leave out a lot of the details here. I’ll just really make this brief.

This friend that he met on this mountaineering trip abroad said it was a gift from his wife for his birthday, and that he had been experiencing so much stress in his work that this was a gift to him for him to have some time and space to figure out what he wanted to do and how he wanted to spend his time around work and his life because he was really caught up in the rat race.

Well, he came back and he decided he wanted to quit his job or leave that job. It turns out the circ*mstances allowed for him to get this pretty big severance package. This person through habit wanted to basically get another job and maximize those money.

His wife challenged him and said, “No, let’s use that money. Let’s travel for a year and really get this time and space to get clear.” After this year, they decided to open up a small business that was really aligned with their values, and in an area that supported their lifestyle. Again, I am just giving you the abbreviated version here.

When my client was telling me this story, I was so touched by this act of love and giving time and space. It does underscore another main benefit of taking this time and space around getting clear.

And so, having this time and space really provided the clarity to get aligned, and then make decisions from that alignment. And again, there’s so many more details that made this so heartwarming, but you get the point.

Another example would be where a partner is showing this 6th love language by being in support of an endeavor. Whether or not a partner wants to write a book and they need to have that devoted time and space.

A partner might say, “I’m going to go on vacation so you can have the house to yourself.” Or, “I booked your trip to a cabin out in the woods. You can just focus on writing this book, or whatever the circ*mstances are. Again, you can see the support for this time and space.

Another benefit here would be to accomplish a goal. Like, writing a book or some project. Other comments that I’ve heard clients make. And again, I think this has been in complaint. Perhaps them of wanting a little bit more of this 6th love language.

In rebuttal, they have said things like, “I don’t bother him when he’s out with his buddies or he’s on a trip with his buddies. I don’t call. I’m not texting or trying to get his attention a lot or asking him a lot of questions.” In hopes that perhaps he would reciprocate when she was on a trip with her friends or doing something that he’s not calling or trying to get her attention or asking for a lot of things from her when she’s otherwise occupied.

Or perhaps, I heard another couple have mentioned this, “I don’t ask him to skip his commitments. I don’t want to be asked to skip my commitments, things that are important to me.” And again, this might be loosely tied to this space and distance, but it seems related that we’re really in respect of our partner’s hobbies, commitments, endeavors.

If someone really enjoys reading, or knitting, or practicing a musical instrument like a violin or the piano, or sculpting or painting. Or maybe they enjoy tinkering, or woodworking, or riding a motorcycle or racecar, gardening. These are all things that perhaps get at this time and space.

Just yesterday, I was talking to a friend and she was saying how her boyfriend, he likes to paddle. We live by the ocean. This is an outrigger ring. He likes to paddle. He was saying to her, “This is one of the only times where I am able to think and be.” And so, this is kind of this time for solitude and peace where he might not have that sense of peace to think so deeply in his life otherwise. And so, to be in support and respect of in partnership is a huge gift.

Let’s talk about ways that we might be in support of the 6th love language. What this can look like would be encouraging or respecting your partner’s alone time or self-care time.

I remember a moment that stood out to me. This was probably 2009, where my husband remarked, I think even put something on Facebook. He was feeling so loved and supported by me. I remember being a little surprised that it hit home so hard. It was something to the effect of he was saying something about he didn’t know what to do with his day. I was getting ready to leave for work. I was like, “Well, what would really support you? What would feel good? How about taking some time for self-care or something in that ballpark?” I don’t remember what I said. He just felt so incredibly supported and loved that I would encourage that.

This can go both ways. We can encourage our significant other to take this time if we know it would be important or valuable to them. It can also be communicating that we’re needing it. This might be explaining to your partner that you would like some time and what it means to you. And that it actually helps you feel healthier, more balanced, and will allow you to come back with more resource, more presence, and be more available. Or whatever it is that it would allow you. We’ve talked about a few things in today’s episode that could help you with your creativity, your intuition, solving a problem, getting clearer, just having time and space to process any of it or all of it.

In addition to encouraging or respecting this self-care time, it can also be listening to your partner. This could be listening to what they’re saying. It can also be listening to their non-verbal cues. I think a sense of space can also be the pace of life. How many activities are planned? It can also be the dialogue. There are times where I might think really fast or have lots of questions or want to talk about a lot of things. And perhaps my husband is not in that space. And so, being willing to respect his need for that time and space and also on a side like not that my need for that is less than, it’s just honoring that they’re both valuable.

In addition to encouraging and respecting as well as listening, it could even just be giving physical space. This is being a little bit more proactive. If you perhaps notice you’re stressed or tired, giving yourself that opportunity to go in the other room, maybe read or take a nap or go take a bath. Or conversely, if your partner has been stressed or feeling overwhelmed, giving some physical space and distance that perhaps with that distance, they will turn towards activities or things that give them this solitude or this peace of mind. We can’t force anybody to do this but by giving somebody physical distance, it can support that opportunity in the hopes that it would make it that much more accessible.

As mentioned already, it might be being a little bit more mindful of physical space in the way of having a separate area that is really dedicated to each individual. That sounds like a luxury for many of us. I know my husband and I do not have that. I know my husband would love it. I would definitely enjoy it. I think he needs it and wants it way more than I do. And in our current circ*mstances, we don’t have that. So, that requires us to be creative.

Whereas maybe other couples want to sleep in separate bedrooms a portion of the time or all the time. I’ve met couples who enjoy having that separate space whether or not one snores or one is a super sensitive sleeper or light sleeper. And then, I’ve even heard more uncommonly but some people live in separate houses intentionally. And that this does really provide strong sense of distance and space that really prioritizes this. And again, it’s not to take away from their love or their commitment. It’s just this is that important for people that probably are a little bit more artistic or intellectual or need this time and space for not only their well-being, but their livelihood or their pursuits.

The sense of heart connection or the bond that exists without actually having to say or do or even touch. Just feeling the quality of that bond. This can be very supportive for that sense of connection.

If you’re on my email list, many, many months, maybe even six months ago or even longer, you probably received an email where I went to an equine facilitated workshop. That’s a workshop with horses. This was for my friend’s birthday. We went up to a town about 45 minutes away. I’m in Santa Barbara, California and this was up in the mountains in Ojai, California.

When it was my turn to work with the horses in the arena, actually, I was working with one horse. And the facilitator wanted me to visualize that there was an infinity loop, like almost a figure eight between my heart and the horse’s heart. She said, “I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to relax.” I was on this pedestal kind of platform. I just laid back. I just imagined in my mind this loving connection between me and the horse.

It’s interesting, the horse, very soon thereafter, came and walked right up to me and was about to like, lay down right next to me. I remember I looked up at it, and then we started engaging, but I got active versus just staying in that real space of connection. It’s almost a sense of trust and relaxation that we’re good and we love each other. There’s this allowance and a real attention too without being super active. So, that could be one other thing to consider as we’re looking at this 6th love language.

Why I bring that up is because, as I mentioned before, there can be insecurities or fear that gets evoked when people aren’t actively attending to one another. And so, if we can consciously create this sense of bondedness that doesn’t necessarily require, and again, we want to be engaged and responsive to our partner for sure. I’m just saying, in addition, that we can build this into our flow. And as we do it intentionally to be in support of this 6th love language.

In closing, I want to encourage that if this is new for us to consider offering more of this sense of space and distance in a loving way, in an attuned way. We don’t want to be rejecting and then thinking they’re going to feel loved. It’s this real conscious, intentional, supportive, respectful ways of honoring space and distance that this is in service of bondedness, love that’s sustainable and that is life giving. And if we know that this matters to our partner or that it matters to us, we’re not going to be doing anybody any favors if we’re neglecting that. Again, we’re looking at the long game.

In today’s conversation, we talked about where this gets difficult things, things that get in the way. We also talked about how our expectations can really inform what we’re doing and how we’re approaching the sense of time and space in relationship. Also, things to think about if we’re out of touch with getting time and space, and we know it would be important. And also, the gift of it and how beneficial it can be. What are some of the benefits of this sense of peace and solitude? And ways that we can encourage and support this 6th love language.

Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. Again, today’s episode is #282: How to Use the 6th Love Language in Your Relationship – Part two. If you would like access to today’s show notes, you can visit DrJessicaHiggins.com. Again, click on “podcast” there in that top navigation bar and you’ll have access to all of the episodes.

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