When your baby is a newborn, they think they are a part of you. As they grow, they’ll start to work out that they're their own person and develop independence, with your support of course.
How does independence develop?
One month to six months
It will take years for your baby to become their own person. When they are first born, your baby is dependent on you for their every need. They will think that you and them are one and the same (Sodian 2011).
At the very beginning, your baby is only aware of their immediate needs: food, love, and attention. In these first few months, much of their time and energy will be spent trying to gain control over their basic movements and reflexes (Belsky and Nezworski 2015).
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One famous study from the seventies showed how it is a gradual process for babies to fully develop self-awareness (Amsterdam 1972). For the research, young babies were placed in front of a mirror to see whether they understood that they were looking at a reflection of themselves. They didn’t. The children patted their mirror image and acted as though they were looking at another baby rather than their own reflection (Amsterdam 1972).
One of the first ways that babies express themselves as separate is by crying to attract your attention (Ainsworth 1979, Sheridan 2014). It is a sign that your baby is growing increasingly aware that their behaviour affects others, namely you.
At about four months or five months, you may notice that your baby starts to become more aware that they are a separate person. They will want to communicate and feel close to you and will respond readily to your voice, smiles, and chatter.
Seven months to 12 months
At around seven months, your baby will realise that you and themselves are separate people. This is a huge cognitive leap worthy of celebration (Ainsworth 1979).
Because of this, your baby may become distressed and start crying when you leave them, even for a short while. This is known as separation anxiety. At this age, they are too young to realise that when you leave them, you will return again soon (Sheridan 2008).
It is normal for your baby to become distressed when they are separated from you. Others may also notice that when you leave the room, they look around anxiously or seem to want help (Sheridan 2014).
If you do leave your baby to be cared for by someone else, say goodbye and go while they're watching. Explain that you will return soon. Even if you don’t think they understand you, sneaking out while their back is turned won’t help. In fact, it may just make them more afraid that you aren’t coming back.
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As your baby grows older, they will gradually become more sociable and confident with others. If you leave them regularly, at nursery, with a relative, or with a babysitter, they will learn that when you are parted, it is only temporary (Sheridan 2014).
If you leave your little one with a new person or your separations are less regular, it may take them longer to get used to being separated. However, in time, they will get to know that you always come back when you leave them. You could try reassuring your baby by giving them something that they often see you using or wearing, like a soft scarf. The chances are that it will smell of you, which will give them added comfort (Winnicott 1986).
12 months to 24 Months
As they gain confidence, your baby will start to forge their own identity. Every day, your baby will now be making progress in differentiating themselves from you and from the world around them.
By the time your baby is two years old, they may still get upset when you leave them at nursery or with a babysitter. But they'll recover more quickly because they're growing more secure. They've also learned that you always come back after you’ve been away for a while.
Feeling secure and loved gives your baby the confidence they need to express their likes and dislikes and their opinions as they grow (Belsky and Nezworski 2015). It may be exhausting for you when your toddler insists on wearing their purple pyjamas for the 10th night in a row and only eating certain foods (NHS nd). But their confidence in themselves is a sign of an increased sense of independence.
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25 months to 36 months
Between the ages of two years old and three years old, your toddler will continue to grow more independent. They will wander further away from you as they explore the world (Sheridan 2008). They will be happier to be left with trusted adults and they’ll test your limits by doing things you’ve told them not to do.
Wanting things their own way is at the heart of many temper tantrums and being two years old is known as the "terrible twos" for a good reason. "I can do it myself" is probably one of the most common phrases parents hear from older toddlers (Schore 2015)
How can I encourage my baby’s independence?
Your baby needs a secure attachment to you if they are to explore the world safely. If they feel loved and secure, it will be easier for them to try new experiences and meet new people. While it is natural for them to want to move away from you, it is also natural for them to come back when they need reassurance (Ainsworth and Bowlby 1991, Sheridan 2014).
Give them plenty of love and support, and they'll build the confidence they need to strike out on their own. Responding to your baby’s needs as soon as you can will also help. Feed them when they're hungry, change their nappy when it’s dirty, and smile and talk to them when they're alert.
Playing games such as hide and seek and peekaboo can enhance your baby’s understanding of separation and return. Showing them how their favourite teddy bear or doll still exists when it’s hidden under a blanket will help them to understand that daddy and mummy can go away, but they also come back (Smith et al 2015).
Make sure that you set up a safe environment for your baby at home. They need to test their limits and explore their surroundings to develop independence and gain confidence.
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Instead of saying "no" every time they touch something that could harm them, keep dangerous objects hidden. Encourage their curiosity and desire to explore the world, and put plenty of safe objects and toys within their reach. That way they won’t get frustrated when they wander, and they’ll be safe.
Know, too, that just because your child is starting to strike out on their own, it doesn’t mean that they require less of your comfort and love. Your baby may need less immediate care as they reach toddlerhood, but they will still require constant support from you.
Encourage them any time they try something on their own, but don’t push them away when they run back to you. They’ll want and need your reassurance for a long time to come.
My baby is 11 months and seems very clingy. Should I be concerned?
Separation anxiety is normal for babies between nine months and 20 months (Smith et al 2015). But do talk to your doctor or health visitor if:
- their anxiety becomes so overwhelming that they are unable to do anything without you by their side
- they're inconsolable when you leave them with a carer, even after you’re long gone from their presence
Learn more about what to expect in your baby’s first year with our video on baby development.
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Read more about your baby’s social development
- Does your baby cry a lot? Find out how you can cheer them up.
- Learn more about separation anxiety.
- Find out how your baby learns to communicate.
As a developmental psychology enthusiast with a strong background in child development, I find the information presented in the provided article to be well-grounded in established theories and research findings. The article traces the journey of a baby's development of independence from birth to 36 months, drawing on prominent studies and concepts in the field of developmental psychology.
The article appropriately starts by highlighting the early stages of a baby's life, emphasizing the initial dependence on caregivers for basic needs. The reference to Sodian (2011) underscores the concept that newborns perceive themselves as an extension of their primary caregivers, reflecting the early stages of attachment.
The mention of the gradual process of self-awareness, as demonstrated in Amsterdam's study from the seventies, adds credibility to the narrative. This study, where babies were placed in front of a mirror, aligns with Amsterdam's findings that infants don't initially recognize their own reflection, reinforcing the idea that the development of self-awareness is a gradual process (Amsterdam 1972).
The concept of separation anxiety, a milestone around seven months, is well-explained, drawing on Ainsworth's work (Ainsworth 1979) and Sheridan's insights (Sheridan 2008). The article effectively communicates that babies at this stage may become distressed when separated from their primary caregivers, showcasing an understanding of the psychological dynamics involved.
Furthermore, the article discusses the importance of providing reassurance during separations and the gradual development of sociability and confidence in babies. The reference to Winnicott (1986) supports the suggestion of giving the baby something with a familiar scent to provide comfort during separations.
As the article progresses into the toddler years, it touches upon the increasing independence of the child and the emergence of the "terrible twos." This phase is characterized by the child asserting their preferences and testing boundaries, aligning with Schore's (2015) observation that toddlers often assert their independence with phrases like "I can do it myself."
The advice provided on encouraging a baby's independence, such as creating a safe environment and responding promptly to their needs, resonates with established theories like Ainsworth and Bowlby's attachment theory (Ainsworth and Bowlby 1991). The emphasis on maintaining a secure attachment while allowing exploration aligns with the principles of fostering a healthy sense of autonomy.
In addressing concerns about clinginess and separation anxiety in an 11-month-old, the article appropriately refers to the normalcy of separation anxiety during this developmental stage (Smith et al 2015) and advises seeking professional guidance if the anxiety becomes overwhelming.
In conclusion, the article offers a comprehensive exploration of the developmental milestones related to a baby's journey toward independence, weaving together insights from renowned studies and developmental theories in the field. The information is presented in a well-structured manner, making it a valuable resource for parents and caregivers seeking a deeper understanding of their child's psychological development.
