Continuing Bonds: A Grief Journal Exercise - Whats your Grief (2024)

Coping with Grief / Coping with Grief : Litsa Williams

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Continued Bonds, Grief Journaling

So, the plan was to post on forgiveness yesterday... But, no surprise, forgiveness is a super complicated topic and I got sucked into a black hole of thinking, researching, and writing waaaay too much. By last night, the post was around3,200 words (and that's after I had cut out at least 1,000 words...). In case you aren't tuned in to word counts, let me just say that 3,200 words is A LOT for an online article--even for us! So, new plan: I will take this weekend to wrangle that forgiveness piece into something manageable and, today, I'll post about a grief journal exercisethat meets continuing bonds that meets a great quote from Billy Joe Shaver.Ready. Set.Go.

The other morning, I was driving in to work and heard an interview on NPR with Billy Joe Shaver. No, that isn't the guy from Green Day. He is a 75-year-old country music writer who has written some pretty famous songs performed by some pretty famous musicians. Near the end of the interview, Billy Joe (yes, we're on a first-name basis now that I have listened to that interview) began talking about his sonand writing partner, who died of a drug overdose nearly 15 years ago. He still talks to his son when he is on stage performing and, in the interview, he talked about how his son is still with him, saying:

"I do believe when people die their goodness, the good things they've done, it seems like they melt into your likeness and you become a better person for it."

Billy Joe Shaver

The minute he said it itrangso true for me: Our loved ones' goodness does melt into us. It does make us better people. It is just easy to forget that when we are randomly bursting into tears in public, or struggling to get off the sofa.

A while back we wrote aboutcontinuing bonds. If you missed it, you should go check it out here. Or, here are the Cliffs Notes: Continuing bonds is the theory that:

...when your loved one dies, grief isn’t about working through a linear process that ends with ‘acceptance’ or a ‘new life’ where you have moved on or compartmentalized your loved one’s memory.Rather, when a loved one dies you slowly find ways to adjust and redefine your relationship with that person, allowing for a continued bond with that person that will endure, in different ways and to varying degrees, throughout your life.

When I heard the Billy Jo Shaver interview, a continuing bonds moment arose. I started thinking about all the goodness in me from those who I have lost. I felt inspired to write it down,but sadly I was driving. For the safety of myself and others on the road, I refrained from pulling out a pen and paper to start writing.But, assuming you're not driving right now, I encourage you to use this quote as inspiration for your own continuing bonds journal exercise. Consider all the goodness that "melted into you" from your loved one. Write about the things they taught you, the values they instilled in you, and every other piece of them that is a part of you.

Click Melting Journal PDF to download the journal page seen below. Print and work on your own journal entry, thanks to Billy Jo Shaver. Or, share your thoughts in a comment, because we love comments!

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7 Comments on "Continuing Bonds: A Grief Journal Exercise"

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  1. GFebruary 29, 2016 at 12:24 pm Reply

    I am a new subscriber. Thank you for such “real” posts. I am 2 1/2 months into the grief over the loss of my husband to cancer after 44 years together. This exercise was such a positive thing – to strive to be the good person he was by listing all of his wonderful characteristics, honesty, selflessness and the list goes on.
    Thank you

  2. VickiAugust 6, 2015 at 7:40 pm Reply

    I never “felt” his presence until June of this year. He died on September 11, 2001 at work. He worked in Tower 1 of the former World Trade Center.
    My daughter had just turned 15 and was in ninth grade.
    I remember when she asked “Did his soul make it through the flames or did the fire burn it up?” And I had no answer, not knowing things like that. I asked a pastor and was met with my first instance of how people would be hostile to us, with or without meaning to in order to make sure we didn’t ask questions to which they had no ‘satisfactory’ reply and felt uncomfortable hearing.
    Our grief had the biggest impact on our former religion, which was Christian. My daughter stopped having a relationship with a god of her understanding and I stopped praying the way I used to, no longer asking for safety of my family like I had on September 10.
    I hope this doesn’t offend people but this is largely what my grief has been like from the spiritual aspect. When your teenage daughter gets distressed every day for a year after the incident and doesn’t want you to go to work “in case you die too,” it changes the type of relationship you have with a “higher power” or did with me and my daughter.

  3. Chelsea HansonAugust 29, 2014 at 1:23 pm Reply

    I do use the term “new life,” but I mean a different life…a life after the grief and a life after loss that can still be fulfilling…a life of meaning that can be your way of honoring the beloved person who died…a life where the person is with you in a “new” and different way…Great info as always!

  4. JennaAugust 18, 2014 at 10:33 pm Reply

    Thank you so much for your continuing, regular posts on a wide range of topics. Getting your posts in my email is grounding and feels supportive even though we don’t know each other. It also helps me to create space to think about my mom in a healthy way, instead of just pushing the loss of her out of my mind.

    • LitsaAugust 19, 2014 at 10:54 pm Reply

      Jenna, I am so glad our posts are a help. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. When you write a blog you just never know who out there in the ethos you are reaching, so it means a lot to us to know there are people out there 🙂 I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Take care!!

  5. Nathalie HimmelrichAugust 10, 2014 at 8:29 am Reply

    Thank you, Litsa. This is a great input and I love the fact that it’s simple. Lovely page to journal…
    Litsa, I’m trying to send you and Eleanor some chapters of my forthcoming book for peer review. I had asked you previously and you posted an email address for me to send it to but I can’t find it – would you post it again or send me an email? Thank you. Nathalie http://www.grievingparents.net

    • LitsaAugust 10, 2014 at 8:12 pm Reply

      Hi, of course Nathalie. The best email to reach us is whatsyourgrief@gmail.com.

      Glad you like the exercise. Sometimes my favorite writing exercises are the most simple!

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Continuing Bonds: A Grief Journal Exercise - Whats your Grief (2024)

FAQs

What is the continuing bonds theory of grief? ›

Continuing Bonds (CBs) are defined as an ongoing inner relationship with the deceased (Klass et al., 2014). CBs include attempts to keep memories alive through dialogue with others, engagement with possessions and photographs, and use of the deceased as a role model.

What are the three C's of grief? ›

Practice the three C's

As you build a plan, consider the “three Cs”: choose, connect, communicate. Choose: Choose what's best for you. Even during dark bouts of grief, you still possess the dignity of choice. “Grief often brings the sense of loss of control,” says Julie.

Can you get free bereavement counselling? ›

Our Online Bereavement Counselling Service offers up to 6 free sessions with a professional counsellor over video (Zoom). Sessions are online so you can use the service from the comfort of home. To use the service you'll need to have access to a laptop, tablet or mobile phone with a camera and microphone.

Which is the best example of a continuing bond? ›

Examples of Continuing Bonds

Others may visit the cemetery on special occasions, bake our loved one's favorite dessert on their birthday, or spend time in a place they loved. We may wear their favorite clothing or jewelry, share memories with our friends, or listen to music that reminds us of them.

What is the concept of continuing bonds? ›

It's about connecting the past to the present, a task that is frequently referred to as “developing a continuing bond”. You can do this by finding ways to integrate memories of your loved one, along with things you cherished about that person, into the new life that you have built since the death.

What is the most intense type of grief? ›

This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.

What are the 5 grief indicators? ›

The 5 grief indicators achieved their respective maximum values in the sequence (disbelief, yearning, anger, depression, and acceptance) predicted by the stage theory of grief.

What are the 6 R's of grief? ›

significant loss. She called her model the "Six R's":

React: Recollect & Re-experience: Relinquish: Re-adjust: Reinvest: the loss: First, people must experience their loss and understand that it has happened.

How long does grief fatigue last? ›

Grieving isn't just an emotional process. It can be surprisingly physical too, leaving you exhausted, achy, restless and even with cold or flu-like symptoms. Your mind and body are run down and burnt out, and you might feel that way for weeks or even months.

What is the difference between grief and bereavement? ›

Grief describes the response to any type of loss. Bereavement is grief that involves the death of a loved one. Grief includes a variety of feelings that go along with the process of moving on from a significant change or loss. The experience and expression of this process can take on a variety of forms.

How long does grief last? ›

It is completely normal to feel profoundly sad for more than a year, and sometimes many years, after a person you love has died. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel better or move on because other people think you should. Be compassionate with yourself and take the space and time you need to grieve.

What makes grieving worse? ›

A trigger can be anything that causes a strong reminder of your loss. Many people say the first year or two can be particularly difficult. With time, most people find they learn to adapt, although birthdays, anniversaries or other special dates might always cause a range of strong emotions.

Why does grief hurt so much? ›

The moment we learn of our loss, our braintriggers the fight-or-flight response. This heightened state puts extra stress on our organs and bodily functions, and we would usually experience it for a few minutes to 48 hours. But after bereavement, the effects ofthe fight-or-flight response can continuefor months.

What is the continuing bonds theory of attachment? ›

Continued Bonds. Also referred to as emotional bonds, these are the emotional attachments that individuals maintain with their deceased loved ones, developed after death through memories, emotions, or behaviors (Klass et al., 1996).

What are the benefits of continuing bonds? ›

It's an important concept in bereavement studies, challenging the previous notion that successful grief resolution requires a total detachment from the deceased. Instead, a continuing bond reflects the enduring connection to the deceased, through memories, actions, or symbols, which can help in the adaptation to loss.

What is the theory of grief? ›

Grief Work Theory (Freud) - Death is a fact of life, and there are universal dynamics in grieving. The process of mourning includes painful dejection, withdrawal of interest in the outside world, loss of capacity to love, and inhibition of activity. The work of mourning is accomplished gradually.

What is the theory of the 5 stages of grief? ›

Do the five stages happen in order? The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are often talked about as if they happen in order, moving from one stage to the other. You might hear people say things like 'Oh I've moved on from denial and now I think I'm entering the angry stage'.

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