What do you think of the idea of restaurants no longer serving ladies first? —John C., St. Charles
Being a restaurant old-schooler and a traditionalist, my first inclination was to shake my head in woe, chalking it up as yet another blow to modern civilization. But this recent article inEaterchanged my mind.
Standard fine dining restaurant etiquette calls for womento be served first, then men, all in clockwise fashion, for every stage of service during the meal.
Eaterreports that several upscale restaurants in Chicago have abandoned the practice and implemented gender-neutral service, providing “thoughtful service without relying on those measures of old-school etiquette” as well as eliminating language like “ladies and gentleman” from its vocabulary.
With each generation, the concept of what constitutes “good manners” gets redefined, and it’s natural (if not expected) that restaurants will react to the changes. The article cautions that “good service” is not being jettisoned (seat numbers will still be used for serving guests, for example), merely how it’s defined.
Just like in non-restaurant situations, political correctness has become an increasingly important facet of everyday life, emphasized recently by the #MeToo movement. One general manager said that “sometimes it’s just a small thing that can trigger a larger feeling in someone,” and “while she doesn’t mind having the door held for her, she knows that her clientele could.” And in a worst-case scenario, she continues, the ladies-first practice “could open up old wounds or remind someone they are ‘other’ in a way they never asked for.”
Such reactions are moving the needle on politeness. As the article states, in some circles the reaction to gender-based etiquette can be read “anywhere from impolite to downright insulting.”
Chris Kelling, managing partner at Elmwood, agrees. "Beyond being antiquated at best and patronizing at worst, ‘ladies first’ is disruptive," he says. "If I'm carrying a plate from the kitchen to a table, I don’t care about gender. I care about putting a plate down in front of you in the most seamless way possible."
Pangea's chef-owner Jessie Gilroy sees it much the same way. "Serving ladies first is not a specific 'rule'around here," she says,"but it is practiced when possible. To be completely honest, most of the time we serve children first, because if the kids are happy, then the parents, no matter the gender, are usually happy. I do not believe chivalry is dead, but a dish going out hot, no matter who’s it is, is more important to me."
"We still try to do ladies first," says Zoë Robinson, owner of Billie-Jean,I Fratellini, andBar Les Frères."However, I don’t like it when the server says 'And for the ladies?'I use ma’am and sir, and encourage my staff to do the same."
Back when traditional restaurant service was being defined, the gender issue was clearer. Today, that line has become blurred. With transgender and non-binary patrons, the article states that “the stakes are higher and that “manners can often become an issue of recognizing a person’s humanity.” Restaurants (like the rest of us) are now faced with the additional burden of misgendering, staffers have more opportunities for social miscues, and by extension, restaurants have the potential to lose a customer or group of customers.
So while some of us will adhere to dated practices and mores (because that's the way we were raised and old habits die hard), I call no harm, no foul on the issue of which restaurant guest gets served first. So does Paul Hamilton, whom, along with wife Wendy, SLM named 2018 restaurateurs of the year. "We have always served ladies first," Hamilton says. "In my book, it's part of proper professional service."
If you have a question for George, email him at gmahe@stlmag.com. You can also follow him on Twitter @stlmag_dining. For more from St. Louis Magazine, subscribe or follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
George Mahe
Mahe is St. Louis Magazine's dining editor. Like this story? Want to share other feedback? Send Mahe an email at gmahe@stlmag.com.
