Ah, the holidays! Not many people are thinking about how to save money on gift giving; more often, people are thinking of this as the perfect time to practice our generosity and shower our family and friends with gifts. I see gift guides out there that include everyone from the janitor at your kids’ school (who DEFINITELY needs some love) to your second cousins twice removed.
But do you ever stop to ask yourself why you’re giving to all these people?
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, when I was younger I used gift giving to gain love, approval, control and admiration. I gave expensive gifts to family members to curry their love and approval. I gave generously to coworkers to be admired — and I gave to everyone to exert some kind of control over the relationships.
I see this happen all the time with my clients as well. Moms who come up with elaborately cute or clever gifts to give to every single teacher at the school. Parents who attempt to bribe their kids into good behavior with the threat of “Santa” watching — then shower them with gifts anyway. Family members who try to one-up one another every year to see who can give the most ridiculously generous gifts.
People seem to think that the less controlling you are, the less control you have over your money, but I found exactly the opposite to be true for me. The less codependent I became, the less money I spent. And it’s impossible to save money on gift giving with a codependent mindset.
It’s impossible to save #money on gift giving with a codependent #mindset.
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Motivations for Gift Giving
Some people think they’ll disappoint their children if they don’t go full-out with gifts under the Christmas tree. I’ve found that with kids, gift satisfaction can be very short term. And even early on, kids inherently know whether the gift you are giving is for them, or for you. The gifts you give to satisfy an idealized vision (like how cute they would look in that sweater) have no value to them.
Friends and family members can be more difficult. If a friend gives you an expensive gift one year, you may feel obligated to spend more on her the next year. Or if you want your family to see you as successful or as having good taste, you might go out of your way to buy certain kinds of gifts to back up that vision.
If you think you might be giving with “ulterior motives” in mind, ask yourself if you are you trying to:
- Appear perfect or admired? When I gave out gifts to more than 20 of my friends, I wanted to impress them. I would imagine them saying, “Wow, what a thoughtful, creative gift; Mindy is awesome!” And I would be SO disappointed if someone didn’t properly express their appreciation. It was all about me.
- Change someone? This still makes me chuckle … my mom always thought I never dressed… er, attractive enough :o) Her gifts in high school were all about form-fitting outfits that I would NEVER wear in a million years. She was trying to change my behavior with her gifts.
- Avoid focusing on yourself? One year while gift shopping, the store had to call my credit card company so that they could make sure it was really me–I had spent so much in such a small amount of time, they were worried my credit card had been stolen! I was buying too much because I was trying to avoid acknowledging my negative feelings about my life and the people in it at the time.
- Solve other people’s problems? I once bought a book for a boyfriend so that he could learn how to be more emotionally available. (Yeah, you can imagine how well that worked.) If you buy people things you think they NEED (a new fridge, a part for their car, money for a class) you could be trying to solve their problems for them.
- Avoid saying no? My dad has three sisters and two brothers, so you can imagine the gift-giving chaos with all of those nieces, nephews and cousins! Once we finally said that we were no longer going to be giving gifts, everyone was actually hugely relieved.
- Make people care about you as much as you care about them? As a codependent, you spend A LOT of time figuring out (or TRYING to figure out) what other people are thinking so that you can manipulate them and bend them to your will—in the most loving way, of course! If I wasn’t sure how someone felt about me, you could be sure that they would get a really good gift from me so that I could try to influence those feelings.
Whether or not you can “afford” to be generous at the holidays or not, it’s a good practice to start asking yourself why every time you add someone to your list, or go to make a purchase. Buying a small gift for your child’s teacher is an appropriate expression of gratitude. Putting together Pinterest-worthy gifts for every member of the school staff is probably overdoing it.
Quite simply, I don’t even think of this as a way to save money on gift giving anymore; I see it as evidence of how much I have grown from the codependent gift giver I used to be.
Click here to download my Creative Money appropriate holiday spending plan.
FAQs
It's fine. So if there's a wedding, graduation, rite of passage, or holiday on the horizon, and cash is what you want or need, please know that—as a bona fide expert in gift-giving etiquette! —I am telling you it's fine just to say so.
What's the best way to give money as a gift? ›
A check or money order provides a secure way to give money. Your gift can be tracked and voided if lost or stolen, which offers an added layer of safety.
What is the etiquette for money gifts? ›
As the gift recipient, never ask for money (unless you want to look greedy). No matter the size of the gift of money, always practice gratitude and share your generosity. Consider sending a simple thank you note expressing your appreciation and sharing how the money impacted your life.
Is it better to give someone some money or some object as gifts? ›
In short, gifting money has its advantages by allowing the recipient the freedom to choose what they really need or want at that moment. However, it can also lack originality and personalization, leaving a sense of lack of effort and dedication in the gift.
What are the rules for gifting money? ›
Annual gift tax exclusion
The gift tax limit is $17,000 in 2023 and $18,000 in 2024. Note that this annual exclusion is per gift recipient. So you could give away the limit to several different people in a single year and still not have to file a gift tax return and possibly pay the gift tax.
Why cash is better as gift? ›
Cash has no expiration date
And while it's nice to support small businesses, you may be more likely to run into this problem if you buy someone you know a gift card for a local shop. Cash, on the other hand, never expires. Your loved ones could stick that money in the bank and use it whenever they please.
How much money is a good gift? ›
If you're comfortable, talk to your family or friends about gift budgets. For example, you could ask people to stick to a $25 budget when they exchange gifts with you on birthdays or holidays. Even if they don't abide by the limit, at least you've set an expectation for yourself.
How to creatively wrap cash? ›
A witty gift money wrapping idea that is sure to bring a smile to your face is to put the money in an elegant little box and decorative paper with a bow, and then put it in a larger cardboard box, equally beautifully wrapped in paper. In this way, we pack any number of cardboard boxes.
What is the etiquette for gift-giving? ›
You always want to make sure a gift is nicely wrapped, placed in a gift bag with tissue, or has a ribbon wrapped around it. It should also include a card or gift tag, and a gift receipt if appropriate. One other thing to note: if you're not sure of someone's size, you should not give a gift that is size dependent.
Is giving money a lazy gift? ›
While gifting cash is popular on some occasions in some cultures, it's not for everyone and can be interpreted as lazy or even offensive.
Include a Heartfelt Note. No matter how you gift money—even if it's just a Venmo—make sure your recipient knows just how much they're loved and appreciated. "Include a note to the person that shows that you've given this some thought, and that there's meaning behind it," Swann says.
Why gifting instead of giving? ›
To separate our usage this way also imbues the verb "to gift" with a particular power. Gifting becomes a sacrifice in a way that giving never quite is. When we gift, we part with a thing that has been with us for a while; when we give, our possession was always planned to be brief.
What are the five rules for gift giving? ›
What is the five gift rule? In the five gift rule, the first four gifts are pretty straightforward - something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. Then, the last gift is where you can really have fun. The fifth gift is something they didn't know they wanted.
When gift giving is manipulation? ›
Manipulators give gifts to exert control or influence over others. This tactic creates a sense of obligation, making the recipient feel indebted. It's a strategy to sway decisions, build dependence, or gain favor.
How much cash can I give as a gift? ›
There is no law limiting what you can gift to a family member. So you can actually gift whatever amount you want it just might not be tax free.
Is giving gifts in cash considered impolite? ›
It isn't necessarily rude, but it is less personable than giving a non-cash gift. With gifts, one must think carefully about what the recipient would enjoy- a good gift is a sure sign that the giver cherishes the relationship that they have with the recipient.
What is an appropriate cash gift? ›
If it's a co-worker or a distant friend, TheKnot.com recommends guests give at least $75-$100 on the wedding present. If your guest is a relative or a friend, the wedding website suggests somewhere between $100 and $125. But what kind of gift can you expect?
How much cash is a good gift? ›
The key is to be consistent so you aren't sending some relatives more cash than others. Your kids, $100: If you're planning to give your own children cash gifts for their birthdays, this is a good amount. They can buy themselves one nice gift, several small gifts, or put the money into savings.
