If that’s the case for your friend, they will probably give you a cue to back off and wait, Wolfelt says. Honor that. “Let them know you are ready to listen if and when they want to share,” Wolfelt says. And you can always ask again later or reiterate your availability. “Stay steady in your efforts,” Wolfelt says.
5. “Can I make dinner/do laundry/run that errand for you?”
Don’t underestimate the power of simple favors. “Taking something off their to-do list can be invaluable,” McGann says.
It’s most helpful if you are proactive instead of just saying, “I'm here if you need anything,” which puts the onus of asking for help on the person who is grieving, McGann says. A few ideas: Bring prepared food, clean the kitchen, help sort mail, babysit, give their kids a ride—whatever you can do to make their life even a tiny bit easier.
In addition to providing practical support, you’re showing how much you care about your friend at a time when it’s hard to come up with comforting things to say. “Sometimes, when words are inadequate, actions can be a symbol of nurturing and love,” Wolfelt says.
Samantha appreciated all of the offers to help her take care of tasks from organizing the funeral to making meals in the weeks following her brother’s death. “Not having to worry about things like that was such a big sense of relief,” she says.
6. “I remember that time when…”
“Usually what people grieving this loss want to do, especially after they get past the initial shock and confusion, is to remember the person’s life—not just their death,” Jordan says. “They are thinking of their loved one all the time,” McGann explains. “It is most likely a relief to get an invitation to open up.”
This was Samantha’s experience. “One of the best things was people telling me stories about my brother,” she says. “Hearing what they loved about him, that people had a good relationship with him, moments they had with him that I didn't know about…that never got old. I didn't want people to remember him by his death or have that define him. It was more about what happened when he was alive.”
If you can’t get a sense of whether or not your friend would appreciate hearing a memory, you can always ask first, McGann says. Say something like, "I was thinking about a memory of [their loved one’s name]. Can I share it with you?"
7. “You can grieve as long and hard as you need to, and I will be here for you.”
It’s not unusual for a survivor of suicide loss to be flooded with concern and support right after the death, then to watch everyone go back to business as usual a week or two later, Jordan says. In combination with our culture’s general hush-hush conventions about grief and suicide, this decline in support can make many people who have lost someone to suicide feel pressured to “get over” the death, Wolfelt says.
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As an experienced grief counselor and enthusiast in the field of bereavement support, I have dedicated my career to understanding and assisting individuals navigating the complex emotions associated with loss. With a deep understanding of grief and mourning, I am well-versed in the nuanced ways people express their sorrow and the importance of providing genuine support during such challenging times.
In the article you've shared, the underlying theme revolves around supporting a friend who is grieving, particularly in the context of suicide loss. Drawing upon my expertise, I can dissect the concepts presented and elaborate on the key principles of compassionate and effective support during this delicate period:
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Respecting Boundaries: The article emphasizes the significance of respecting a grieving friend's cues and providing them with the space they may need. Alan Wolfelt, a renowned grief counselor, advises acknowledging your readiness to listen without pressuring them to share their feelings immediately.
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Practical Support: Practical assistance is highlighted as a valuable form of support. Instead of generic offers, being proactive in helping with daily tasks such as making dinner, doing laundry, or running errands can significantly alleviate the burden on the grieving person. This approach is more beneficial than merely stating availability, placing the responsibility of seeking help on the grieving individual.
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Sharing Memories: Acknowledging the importance of reminiscing about the deceased individual's life, the article suggests offering memories and stories. By doing so, you contribute to celebrating the person's life rather than focusing solely on their death. It is recommended to ask for permission before sharing a memory, ensuring sensitivity to the grieving person's emotions.
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Long-Term Support: The article underscores the need for sustained support beyond the initial aftermath of the loss. Grievers often experience a decline in support after the initial wave of concern, and expressing a commitment to stand by them for as long as needed is crucial. This helps counter societal expectations to "get over" the loss quickly and provides reassurance to the grieving individual.
By incorporating these concepts into your approach, you can provide meaningful and compassionate support to someone experiencing the profound impact of suicide loss.
